INT – Castle – afternoon
The lead knight rushes to Unknown with important news.
It’s time to visit my happy place tonight. It looks like this. Ah, that’s better. Ocean breeze and salt water.
Knight: The scum have surrounded the castle and are upon the walls, Sir.
Unknown: All right then, man, no need to panic. We’ve been here before. Piece of cake. Let’s drop some boiling oral cipro on their heads.
Knight: Been there, done that.
Unknown: What? What do you mean by, “been there, done that”?
Knight: We already tried the boiling oral cipro, Sir. It’s lost it touch, it has.
Unknown: Really? Well, that’s not good. All right then, Plan B. How about some flaming balls of IV tobramycin to knock them down? That’s always a game-changer.
Knight: Been there, done that.
Unknown: My God, man, would you stop staying that, please?
Knight: Been there, done that?
Unknown: Yes, that. Exactly. Thank you. It’s no time for negativity. Are you quite sure the last barrage had no positive impact?
Knight: Yep. Not this time. Quite surprising it was, if I must say so. Just bounced right off of them. Quite amazing to see. Tough little buggers and quite angry.
Unknown: I see. Brilliant. Well, what else have we got here?
Knight: For lunch?
Me: For lunch? Are you daft, man? For heaven’s sake. For lunch? Not for lunch, imbecile. To drop on them. To keep them out of the castle.
Knight: Hmm, let me think. [pause while he thinks, and thinks some more] Well, lunch was pretty awful. It might work.
Unknown: Oh, my god. That’s the best you’ve got?
Knight: Well, yes. The ham is quite spoiled. Damn awful. They’ll be throwing up for hours if they eat it. Buy us some time, it will.
Unknown: Oh, damn me. We’ve run out of tricks, haven’t we? I guess we have no choice. Drop the ham. Drop it now. Let’s buy a few hours before we’re buggered for good.
Knight: But we’re out of ham.
Unknown: What? But you just said we had ham.
Knight: Well, not technically. I said perhaps we’d like to consider dropping lunch on them. But we ate it all.
Unknown: Even though it was rotten?
Knight: We used lots of mustard.
Unknown: And the men didn’t leave even a tiny bit of ham for later?
Knight: No, I’m afraid not. We ate all of it.
Unknown: And you didn’t get sick?
Knight: Oh, we got sick all right. Right horrid, it was. Oh, terrible squirts. But we was hungry. What’s a man to do when his stomach calls?
Unknown: Skip the detail next time, my dreadful knight. So, if I’m to understand correctly, what you’re saying is that we’re completely screwed?
Knight: I guess I am. That sounds about right, Captain. Completely screwed. 100%.
Unknown: Very well then, I’m going to walk to that wall over there. And then I’m going to climb up on it, at which point I want you to give me a nice solid kick to the arse, sending me over the edge and into the intruders. I may as well take a few of them with me on the way out. Are you clear on the new plan, my good knight?
Knight: Crystal, Sir. It will be my pleasure, your royalness, to kick you in the arse. My pleasure indeed.
I have no right to complain. Every day I grow old with CF is a gift, but some of those days have their challenging moments. Today was one of those days.
My PFTs are still down after IVs. Or, no improvement. And the reason I can’t hear higher tones anymore is because I’ve lost a portion of my hearing thanks to the dozens of doses of IV tobramycin I’ve taken over the years – one drop at a time. Ouch.
Tomorrow will be a better day. I have a shipment of ham on the way.