Two weeks living like a Zooble

I’m happy because 2010 didn’t end with a hospitalization due to coughing up blood. Instead, I spent the two weeks with my daughter. I wish I could say that we got a lot done or did something important like discover a cure for cystic fibrosis while playing with Zoobles in our living room, but we didn’t, though I did make sure Zoobleland is CF-free. All of the little critters are healthy. There’s something to be said for being able to turn yourself into a protective ball when needed. This magic power allows Zoobles to escape all illness and evil in the world. I wish I could do the same.

The damn Zoobles had a party and drank my Cayston, which is like 80 proof alcohol to them.

So, when we weren’t playing with little plastic toys made in China, the two of us spent a lot of time being potatoes, or slow-moving potatoes, which one might call turtles. We played Donkey Kong Wii and did some shopping. We looked for a new pre-owned car, which was a major pain in the ass and a task that is still unfinished. Thinking back on the time now, I’m not sure where it went or exactly what we did to fill every moment. But it passed, and it passed without going to the hospital.

Though time went by fast, it wasn’t stress-free. I had plenty of blood streaks to remind me it was there, waiting, lurking, ready to explode without warning. But thanks to the miracle of Cayston and three treatments a day, I escaped the hospital. I’m so lucky. Have I mentioned that before?

I have a clinic appointment this week. Though I’m feeling okay, I need to speak to the doctor about the psychology of the blood and what it’s doing to me mentally. Every cough feels like it’s the beginning of a hospitalization. I took measures over the holidays to minimize the risk of bleeding, e.g., not exercising. My plan for 2011 is to get aggressive and exercise and force the blood to come out if it’s there. Then embolize it right away. I can’t go about living with such a nasty timebomb waiting to interrupt my life. I want to go after it and not feel like I’m waiting for it. It’s time to run into battle not flee it. Let’s see how that works out. I’ll keep you posted.

Stay healthy.

Knock, knock. Who’s there?

It’s easy to explain the horrors of hospital stays to friends. Most have had some experience with them and have a respectful fear of their many needles and tests and food fit for no one. But I have a harder time explaining the daily grind of treatments, boiling nebs, dealing with insurance and holding the door closed on the dark and hopeless thoughts banging away, trying to get in. If CF were only having to deal with hospitalizations, I’d feel like a king. How nice would that be not having to deal with the everyday routine of the disease. Even the constant drone of the compressor and neb hiss eats at me. Three times a day. It’s confining and the same, like wearing wearing a plaid three-piece suit everyday. I long for new drugs and inhalers just to break up the routine.

Here’s a rough sketch of the daily inhaled gears turning:

Morning: Wake up. Inhale Xopenex, two hypertonic salines and inhaled antibiotic.

Afternoon: Inhale Xopenex and two hypertonic salines (and inhaled antibiotic if a Cayston month).

Evening: Xopenex, two hypertonic salines. Pulmozyme. Inhaled antibiotic.

Now repeat this 365 days a year, add mustard, onions and jump out the window.

That’s the skeleton of my day of breathing treatments, which also includes Vest time and a myriad of other drugs at set times. It would be even worse if I was forced to eat hospital food every day – the same meal for breakfast, lunch and dinner. (McGriddles for breakfast don’t count, @Seanset. They’re special) Something tells me there’s an Edgar Allan Poe story here about daily CF treatments causing madness. For madness doesn’t feel far away at times.

Knock, knock, who’s there? CF you. “CF you” who? CF you go crazy from doing inhaled treatments three times a day.

I’m not sure there’s a way to describe the daily grind to others. They’d need to experience it for themselves to understand and appreciate it. I’d like to see how long non-CFers could go, how many days in a row they could fire up the compressor, stick a neb in their mouth and inhale for an hour at a time, three times a day, seven days a week. I can only imagine they’d crack after three or four days and beg to stop and return to their normal, treatment-free lives, especially during the late-night treatments when sleep sounds good but must be resisted. (I have miles to go before I sleep. I must fight the urge to crash and skip a treatment. I’m being tested. Must fight on. Must fight on. One more treatment. And another. And three tomorrow. AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!)

Knock, knock. Who’s there? One day. “One day” who? One day I’m going to drag cystic fibrosis behind my VW van from L.A. to New York. That’s who.