I had an epiphany the other day, but not in the religious sense. More of the, “I may be screwed if I don’t get moving” kind. As in:
- My lung function is decreasing.
- They want to test for mycobacteria, or MAC, which is something I’d rather not have – are you listening, Universe?
- Work defies logical explanation, other than to say I received my yearly review the other day, which was excellent, thankfully. However, I feel more like an administrative assistant to my supervisor and manager than the creative-idea generator and problem solver I’ve been for many years. But I have a job and benefits. That’s all anyone can ask these days. If mopping the floor is needed, I best do it with a smile on my face.
Yes, I live in a Dali painting.
And yet, the other day, I truly came to peace with all of this and the stress and fear. I may be the luckiest person on the planet, but I know I am going to die one day. Perhaps soon? Hard to predict. But I’ve reached an age where I can’t let trivial bullshit bother me.
Best of all, and this is hard to explain, but I’m feel like I’m truly living day-to-day right now. Not the type of “day-to-day” I lived when I was a teenager that meant “anything goes.” God knows, I’m paying the price for that now. No, this is more of a restrained, “working within the framework of my current life” type of experience.
I’m not going to quit my job.
I’m not going to stop taking my meds or doing my treatments.
I’m not going to blow our 401ks on a red Porsche 911 with a whale tail, tempting as it may sound.
However, I’m not going to worry about the future as much any more either. Perhaps that is the key difference this time, allowing me to gain the upper hand.
I believe that each day may truly be my last and that I’d better make it damn good. And so far, it’s working. They’ve all been good. And there’s a certain calm that comes with this new attitude.
Massage on Wednesday? Why not.
Spend 20 bucks at the flea market on the cute hand-painted bench that my daughter likes? No reason not to.
Part with stuff cluttering my garage and donate it to Goodwill? Absolutely.
The clock may be ticking, but so am I. At least today I am. And, despite the storm clouds in the distance, I’m feeling grateful for that simple gift.