Thoughts always on my mind

I could, at anytime, contract a bacterial infection that kicks my ass and destroys my quality of life, or kills me. What would it take? Touching the wrong surface? A careless hospital worker? A rogue germ on the escalator at the mall? It’s hard dodging an invisible enemy year after year.

I need all my clothing made out of these. Adios, bacterial invaders. Too bad I can’t reach inside my lungs and swab out the invaders with one of these.

I may have cancer now and not know it, or get it at anytime in the future. I’m in the death zone and potentially a doctor’s appointment away from it. My mother has cancer, my grandmother died from it. Should I take this as a hint from the universe?

At any moment, a stream of crimson fluid might blast from my lungs. I think about this throughout the day – each day – when I bend over, when I go to sleep at night. when I walk up a hill, when I accidentally eat food that thins the blood. (This salad dressing has garlic?) I think about it every time I cough. Every time. 

Why do I sweat the small stuff, especially considering the other thoughts that live in my head? I should be doing more with the life I have left and not worrying so much.

I worry about my wife and daughter, especially my daughter. My wife works out of the house, so I know she is okay most of the time. But my daughter is getting older and independence is calling. At 10 she thinks she knows it all, and when I gave her the “stranger lecture” before the festival last weekend, she grumbled and told me she already knew it. Every time I read about a missing child or teen or young female adult, I get sad for the loss, and worry.

How many admin tasks will my boss send me today? Menial, administrative work tasks feel like walking up to a chalkboard, opening my mouth wide, and running my teeth across the surface. The thought of it alone gives me shivers. End of Day (EOD), Close of Business (COB), End of Week (EOW) work emails = the classic comedy scene where Lucy works in the chocolate factory.

I need to read and write more. How did I spend three nights in a row watching the first three Alien movies? Final score: Aliens 3; creativity 0.

I suck. I am a failure. I have not lived up to my potential. If I had, my wife would not have to work for one of the world’s worst bosses and be stressed all the time. I should not have sold my Apple stock years ago. I should be running my own business and in control of my own destiny.

How many days has it been since I’ve taken a shower?

That’s the stuff I think about.

6 thoughts on “Thoughts always on my mind

  1. Firstly, watching all 3 (real) alien moves over three nights isn’t a waste of time. They are only the finest examples of their genre. Stone Cold Classics. You like movies. So what. I like Xbox. Big deal, if it makes you happy it is good.

    Secondly… A failure?? By what measure? You are a total inspiration to me, and helped me big time with coming to terms with D and CF. If you can do it, she can do it. Plus, I happen to know what you do for a day job. And that job is the total dream of many a homeboy. I piss about with websites and record labels – never had a real job in my life… failure? nope.

    Thirdly, most intelligent people worry about dying and their family. I know of course it is in your mind more than most, but let me tell you, every time my sides hurt I think I have the kidney disease that is slowly fucking up my dad. You are alive now this minute, look up and thank your lucky stars.

    You might be an annoying yank that that lives in an oven, but we love you. You pranny.

    • Matt Hatter,

      Always interesting to see what post might make you hit the keyboard.

      I ended up watching all four Alien movies. Surprisingly, I enjoyed 3 and 4, which I didn’t when I saw them the first time. But this time around they held my interest and I appreciated them more.

      Pranny? You and Sir Sean are teaching me so many wonderful British teams. Can’t wait to look up “pranny” and see what it means. Probably something really nice like “intelligent” or “charming” or “stud.”


  2. I think Your killing it. You have a kid, wife, house, “real” job, Your in your 30’s. I’ve always looked up to what you have done with your life. Shit gets all of us down, it gets people who dont have to worry about picking up a bug and kicking the bucket.

    Us CFers know how to life in the day, and we all should of kept our apple stock. But we sold it all, sold it because we thought it was the right thing to do. Take care and be with your family, they are more important than anything.

    I’m 30, been locked up for almost a week, my wife is home with our dog and I can’t wait till Monday so I get to sleep with her again. We must love our Wives and family, they have to put up with us……. and we all got some baggage.

    keep your head up


    • Colin,

      Never said I wasn’t the luckiest guy in the world. I am. I wish I was still in my 30s. That would be nice.

      Not sure I’m down. Those are just the thoughts that live in my head. Not sure I let them overwhelm me. They pop up daily and I stomp them down.

      I agree with you about missing our wives when we’re in. I sometimes find it better for her not to visit because I don’t long to leave with her when visiting hours are over.

      On a side note, sorry to hear you’re locked up. I think you get out today. Hope that happened for you.

      Thanks for the visit and comment.


    • Juli,

      My website doesn’t hate you. It loves you. It just won’t let you leave a comment. Though any comment from you is a good one, I would have like to known what you wrote.

      I hope you’re doing well and the children are good and healthy. Sorry about your Saints. The NFL really took them to the woodshed. A bit harsh, if you ask me.


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