Are you ready for the CF Rumble in the Jungle?
In the pink corner, we have CysticGal, sensitive and kind, who adores pictures of bunnies and anything pink. She is loving, caring and the perfect model of CF womanhood – A poet of the highest order. And, fan of fuzzy animals and all things “chic.”
In the blue corner: me. I don’t take showers in the hospital; I smell of man musk most days. Raw, nasty and gross and 110 percent CF man. Defective chromosome and mucus-filled lungs ready to roll in my “Smokey and the Bandit” black Trans-Am.
Bring it on, CysticGal. Respect for showing up.
1. What is your favorite thing to spit your sputum in?
CysticGal: I’d prefer you call it “yucky.” I spit the yucky in a pretty blue cup.
UnknownCystic: An Old Milwaukee beer can so I can shoot it off a fence post later.
2. Things you’d like to say to your Nimrod RT:
UnknownCystic: Is that my inert pulmozyme in your body-temperature-heated pants pocket? Or, are you just happy to see me?
CysticGal: If you hit my boob again, we’re done.
3. What do you think about when you’re at the gym:
CysticGal: That’s right, I’m naturally thin and walk this slow on the treadmill. Suck it. And stop staring at me.
UnknownCystic: I don’t like cardio or being a thin guy. No matter how many weights I lift, I won’t look muscular. Where’s the radioactive spider that turns me into Spiderman?
4.What excuse do you give to avoid taking the stairs?
UnknownCystic: Sorry, my knee is acting up again. Old bear-hunting injury. But we ate like kings that night. We ate like kings!
CysticGal: These heels are killing me! I’ll meet you up there. (Said while wandering off toward the elevator.)
5. What is your biggest worry about your body?
CysticGal: That others will be jealous of my supermodel thin bod. Poor ladies!
UnknownCystic: I worry about the inside of my body. Don’t want to be coughing up blood when I’m hanging with supermodels, do I? BTW, the bag over my head helps in those situations.
6. What is your most attractive CF-related quality?
CysticGal: My raspy voice gives me that Demi-Moore-esque quality… or is it that I’m sleeping with Ashton Kusher?
UnknownCystic: I have no attractive qualities, hence the bag over my head. CysticGal, digging your choice of Demi. I’ll call you late one night for a . . . talk. You can call me . . . Ash, baby, Ash.
7. What would you change about your CF Clinic?
CysticGal: I’m not saying that it’s okay to use prescription drugs for the wrong reasons, but I am saying I’d like to be high the whole time. I think its best for all involved.
UnknownCystic: My clinic experience will be similar to eating at Hooters. I want hot wings and ESPN in every exam room. The nurses, well, you get the idea. And can you tell the “high” woman in room 7 to pipe down, please.
8. What line of poetry best describes living with CF?
CysticGal: “A good day ain’t got no rain, and a bad day is when I lie in the bed and I think of the things I might have been.” I don’t expect UC below to understand that. So I’ll offer him this: “Genetics: It’ll screw you every time.” That is not poetry but just a phrase I like to incorporate into all of my explanations of CF.
UnknownCystic: I don’t understand either one. Hey, this is a chick question. I read “Hunting Dog Monthly.” But here’s one from my hardhat to impress. And it’s from a woman, Sylvia Plath. “Her blacks crackle and drag.” I think that’s what she wrote, but I’m a dude and too lazy to look it up.
9. Who would you be if you didn’t have CF?
CysticGal: Clearly, Angelina Jolie. Without all the adulterous and bizarro family stuff. Just the kids and the famous actress and Brad-Pitt-as-husband parts. Oh yeah, and she’s dead sexy- like me. I’m sure if you asked Angelina Jolie who she would be if she had CF, she’d say, “Cystic Gal.”
UnknownCystic: That’s funny, CysticGal, because I’d be Brad Pitt. Actually, I don’t like Angelina’s tattoos. I’d be Brad Pitt but with my wonderful wife and daughter. Sorry, love is love and hard to find.
CysticGal: Awwww, that’s sweet. And lame! Just kidding.
10. What career would you have if you didn’t have CF?
CysticGal: If CF exists, I would be a child-life specialist at a hospital. I think that job is the best but can’t really do it because of all the infection control issues. If CF doesn’t exist, I would be . . . ME, but with lungs that worked. I think I’ve done a pretty good job along with having CF. And maybe I’d be fat, which I wouldn’t like, but, you know. Win some, lose some.
UnknownCystic: If CF exists, a scientist to help cure it. If CF doesn’t exist, a Chippendale’s dancer to help cure something else. Does anyone have change for a dollar?
(Thanks to everyone for reading and to CysticGal for her wisdom, charm and grace. I can a learn a lot from her, I think. I’ll ponder that question right after I finish playing Wii all night, eat a California roll or two, and drink a six pack of Old Milwaukee. What was the question again?)