Cystic fibrosis has screwed up my ability to make decisions. I was wondering why I’ve taken two months to decide on a used car – haven’t decided yet – when I realized it’s CF’s fault. Obviously, I can blame the disease for many things, which I’ve done on this blog, with coughing up blood being the obvious winner. But “decision making” surprised me when I realized what was behind the agony I feel making important decisions in life. I didn’t always have this problem.
Over the years, I’ve had to agonize over every decision related to CF I’ve ever made. Which doctor to see. Which hospital to go to. Whether I should go on IVs or not. How long to stay on IVs. Whether to call the doctor or not. Take the oral antibiotics or not. And there’s the classic and grizzly bear of all decisions: Should I go to the ER or not?
To have this disease is to live a life of having to make what may be life-altering decisions. Decisions born from CF have more riding on them. They are not the same as picking a paint color or a restaurant for dinner. When you’re looking to gain any edge you can, a wrong decision feels deadly and heart-breaking.
And wrong decisions don’t go away. They hang around in your subconscious until it’s time to make another important decision and you remember the last time you had to make a decision and how you screwed it up in a big way. Bad decisions are like thrown boomerangs you forgot about until they whack you in the back of the head.
I find that this problem has bled over into my normal course-of-life decisions. I analyze everything to the point I can’t decide one way or another. This damn car. What should I buy? How much should I spend? Private party or dealership?
I fear a bad decision more than I fear the reaper, giving the Blue Öyster Cult song new meaning. And I probably need decision-making therapy. If only I could . . .
[No decisions were harmed, or made, in the writing of this post]
The Unknown Cystic 
Some philosophical circles would say that all decisions are equal–or that there are really no decisions at all. You can’t live thinking about what you may or may have decided wrong. Just live life and have fun.
Katie,
Well, hello to one of the hippest of hipsters. Thanks for the comment. Yes, only in philosophy would they say there are no decisions at all. I guess when one is chanting all day long, there are no decisions. Thanks to the monks who came up with that one. 🙂
I am doing my best to live life and have fun. It’s the non-fun that keeps getting in the way.
Thanks for stopping by.
John
I know how you feel. I would share my perspective with you, but I have two different takes on it and I can’t decide which one to share. 😛 Stupid CF.
Josh the Joker,
Funny one. I knew you’d leave a comment like that. I set a trap for you and you fell into it.
I agree with the stupid cf comment. It is stupid.
John
Try to rest easy knowing that the car decision is one that will NOT have an effect on your health, blood or life span. I completely empathize with your decision making procrastination… right now I’m trying to decide what to write and my brain is spinning. See, you have this amazing ability to decide what to write on here and it is always wonderful and timely… so give yourself more decision credit! 🙂
Liz,
It might affect the future health of my wife and daughter. I really liked the Audi A3, but backed out of it at the last minute because of the size and my thinking what would happen if an SUV hit it.
Thank you for the decision credit. I will take it to the bank. 🙂
Best to you,
John
You nailed this one! I think the part I hate worst is the waffling on when to call the doctor, when to go on more antibiotics, when to… ask for help. All this thinking makes me tired and want to lie down.
Hope you can make an auto decision soon so you can use that mental energy on something else!
I hope I make the damn decision about the car soon, too. Argh, it’s driving me crazy and I spend a ton of my time each day looking. I’m about to give up.