Another bad day

It’s hard fighting cystic fibrosis. It’s harder making mistakes of your own doing fighting cystic fibrosis.

I should have stayed at the ER and hospital on Friday. I felt better, really well, on Saturday. Then late Saturday night I had a few mild chest and shoulder pains and the entire cycle started again and has continued into Sunday.

I’ve been beating the living crap out of myself for leaving the ER.  Once again, I found a way to make life harder and more painful for myself. I always think I can’t find a way to do it again, but I continue to astonish myself with my boneheaded decisions and stupidity.

I hated the doctor. He didn’t give me enough information to go on or call my doctor. The longer I stayed at the ER, six hours, the more wound up I got. I thought of staying overnight at that hospital, which is isn’t up on cystic fibrosis infection control, sharing a room with someone unfamiliar with a 90-minute coughing session to clear my lungs.  I couldn’t do it and wasn’t thinking straight.

I realize now that part of my panic disorder forces me to flee the situation I’m in. I fled.

I’ve been in full panic mode all day, sucking down Xanax, with a light dull pain in my chest – just enough to make me aware it’s there. I call it discomfort.

So, I now I debate what to do. Had I just stayed, this would have all been resolved by now. I knew it, but I got overcome with frustration and panic and had to flee the ER. Now who knows, maybe I’ve caused more damage to my heart and I have to wait longer to find out that potential bad news, which is only made worse by the fact I made it worse.

The strange part is the overwhelming feeling to end it all. The mental agony crushes me. The decision making and trying not to make the wrong decision is agonizing. It makes me want to die. Yet, my frustration also comes from the fear of not living – quite a paradox. Even the decision to live or die confuses me.

So, here I write this, tonight, completely spent, wanting to give up, yet also wanting to find a way to fix things. I have my evening treatments coming up. My current decision is whether to go to the ER tonight after I’m done with them or stay home and go to the doctor in the morning. I’m not sure what I’m going to do.

Argh.

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14 thoughts on “Another bad day

  1. I think fatboy is right, ring your doc in the morning vip treatment from someone you know, hope you start to feel better soon mate because I’m focusing on that pint you promised me!

    Sean

  2. SO this doesn’t answer your question AT ALL, but I just wanted to say that you’re a wonderful writer 🙂

    Ronnie

    • Ronnie,

      Appreciate the visit. You and that damn positive attitude of yours. 🙂 You always know what to say. I’ll always take compliments about my writing. You are a charmer. Now I know how you wrangled Mandi.

      UC

  3. UGH. The ER. Spending hours and hours around medical professionals, some of which know less than you do and others that are only conscious because of caffeine.

    I can’t say what’s right or wrong. I can say that I probably would have done what you did and left the ER…and eventually regretted it. I rarely go into the ER unless it’s a first time occurrence. I’m sure that answer was as helpful as a kick to the crotch, but at 2:41 AM, it’s all I can muster.

    Thinking peaceful and powerful things for you, dude.

    • Josh, always appreciate your thoughts. I did see a few Red Bulls around the ER. My doc could have used one. I’m in the hole now and thinking that it’s better that my team sees me. You stay up later than I do.

  4. You have hit the nail on the head, again. It’s all the decisions that wear a person down. I don’t ever want to cry wolf… but there have been times when I should have acted or spoken up sooner. Don’t give up and don’t beat yourself up. I spent 5 hours in ER in February and was not impressed with the staff. I say let your CF doc coordinate things for you. Sending you a prayer for peace.

  5. been missing you on twitter 😦 sorry that you’re feeling bad….but dont beat yourself up so much errr or try not to anyway, know how hard that is…..i agree with fatboy too. take care! much love ur way!

  6. First of all…Xanax is a lovely, lovely drug! Xanax and I also have a great relationship…

    Second, we all do the best we can at each moment with the information and understanding that we have. Give yourself a break…be kind to yourself. Glad your in the hospital now.

    I just got introduced to your blog a few days ago. Love your writing!

    Stacey

    • Thanks for the kind words. You may take what you like for sharing them with me. I am tough on myself. And, as I said, I am insane thanks to CF.

      Really happy you found me.

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