It’s hard fighting cystic fibrosis. It’s harder making mistakes of your own doing fighting cystic fibrosis.
I should have stayed at the ER and hospital on Friday. I felt better, really well, on Saturday. Then late Saturday night I had a few mild chest and shoulder pains and the entire cycle started again and has continued into Sunday.
I’ve been beating the living crap out of myself for leaving the ER. Once again, I found a way to make life harder and more painful for myself. I always think I can’t find a way to do it again, but I continue to astonish myself with my boneheaded decisions and stupidity.
I hated the doctor. He didn’t give me enough information to go on or call my doctor. The longer I stayed at the ER, six hours, the more wound up I got. I thought of staying overnight at that hospital, which is isn’t up on cystic fibrosis infection control, sharing a room with someone unfamiliar with a 90-minute coughing session to clear my lungs. I couldn’t do it and wasn’t thinking straight.
I realize now that part of my panic disorder forces me to flee the situation I’m in. I fled.
I’ve been in full panic mode all day, sucking down Xanax, with a light dull pain in my chest – just enough to make me aware it’s there. I call it discomfort.
So, I now I debate what to do. Had I just stayed, this would have all been resolved by now. I knew it, but I got overcome with frustration and panic and had to flee the ER. Now who knows, maybe I’ve caused more damage to my heart and I have to wait longer to find out that potential bad news, which is only made worse by the fact I made it worse.
The strange part is the overwhelming feeling to end it all. The mental agony crushes me. The decision making and trying not to make the wrong decision is agonizing. It makes me want to die. Yet, my frustration also comes from the fear of not living – quite a paradox. Even the decision to live or die confuses me.
So, here I write this, tonight, completely spent, wanting to give up, yet also wanting to find a way to fix things. I have my evening treatments coming up. My current decision is whether to go to the ER tonight after I’m done with them or stay home and go to the doctor in the morning. I’m not sure what I’m going to do.