Dark Thoughts Slither Back

Two weeks ago today I sat at my computer. With my airway clearance completed and a stomach full of McGriddle, I had the entire weekend ahead of me. Would we spend it at the beach? Any local events? What to do. Then I coughed and it was blood. Not a lot, but a surprise. I wasn’t exercising or doing anything that might create that result. But there it was in all of its glory. And I knew the weekend was gone and I needed to bother my doctor for some cipro on a weekend.

Today, I sit at the computer, an iPad, and my location is a hospital room. Day 14 of this unbelievable odyssey continues. And though I’ve done a good job up to now holding back certain thoughts I’ve fought with for 30 plus years, I feel like giving up, ending it. It’s all so overwhelming – the past two weeks and the future. I’m not sure how I am going to do it, balance everything, work, life and possibly oxygen for the first time. The O2 feels like the least of my worries. Just trying to keep my life as I know it presents the most fear. Do I have the energy to live it?

I used up all of my fighting-stress reserves the past two weeks. I have nothing left. I feel like a piece of safety glass fully cracked and splintered. One tap to it with a hammer is all it will take to shatter the glass into a thousand pieces, never to be put back together again.

3 thoughts on “Dark Thoughts Slither Back

  1. I’m so sorry for what u r going thru and how u r feeling. And you have a lot to juggle. I hope you can dig up the strength deep from within to get through this lousy chapter of cf… wishing you all the best!

  2. I know… I know… I’m sorry 😦 I want to say “Go, John!” or “You can do it!”, but I know that’s not what you’re feeling right now. Right now you’re feeling like you just can’t. I’m really hoping that your body starts improving, so that it becomes easier for your mind to follow ❤

  3. The selfish parts of me need to see you stand strong and unwavering, need to tell you that “you can do it” and “you’re too stubborn and twisted to give up”, those same parts need you to come back again and again, just to prove to me that my daughter can do it too…..

    But there is another part that feels your pain, feels the desperation, the weakness, and the fatigue and I pray so hard that you find peace. There is nothing more in this world that I want for you than peace and happiness.

    So tonight I send you silence, peace, pain free and worry free thoughts. Because things will work out the way they’re supposed to. It may not always be how we want it…..but in the end, all is as it should be. Let go, have some faith. I have a ton of faith in you. much love! ~j

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