What my security cameras revealed

My security cameras are installed and working like a charm. I can see around my house day and night. I can see my wife and daughter pull into the driveway each day, and I can spot people soliciting before they hit my doorstep, like the 26 year-old pretending to be a high schooler trying to earn a trip.

The only drawback of a four camera system is that now I want another four cameras. I should have bought the eight camera system.

Have you experienced this scam? The person claims to live in the neighborhood by saying something like “I’m Ted, Bob and Carol’s son. We live over on Valley Circle.” Classic B.S.

There is no Bob or Carol. His name isn’t Ted. Therefore, none of them live anywhere near me.

But he wants me to feel guilty and help a neighborhood kid, despite looking like a crack addict, which might help him if I were sympathetic to Bob and Carol’s imaginary plight of having a drug-addicted son. I’m not. I didn’t send him on his trip.

I only buy something from kids who bring their real parents with them because they’re too young to roam the neighborhoods alone selling chocolate and cookies. I lived the nightmare of going to door to door selling Girl Scout cookies with my daughter. Now we just buy a case ourselves and give them away. But I empathize with parents stuck with the same duty.

So, what have my cameras revealed?

  1. One opossum sitting on the roof blocking my camera view. My daughter deemed my excitement of seeing the opossum funny enough to do a stand-up routine for her grandmother making fun of me and my new furry friend. I’m proud of that little girl.
  2. People stealing trash. Both times a man got out and searched our blue recycle bin and our neighbors’ cans. I’m torn. I feel bad for anyone who has to survive rummaging through trash. On the other hand, it bothers me. This is why we shred everything.
  3. Cats. It wasn’t quite the musical, but they find our house a convenient place to cross through on their way somewhere. And there are lots of them in different colors. It’s CatLand at 4 in the morning here.
  4. The paper delivery man chucking papers out the window of his lighted car. This is a service he performs for my elderly neighbors who are afraid of the Internet and don’t mind their news a day old and stale. “Jo Pa was fired from Penn State? What? When did this happen?” Yesterday, you turtle.
  5. Bugs and angry birds. F’ing bugs activate the motion sensors. And if I were a Ornithologist, I’d tell you why birds like taking a direct route at my cameras when they’re not killing pigs.
  6. My wife freezing and the dogs pooping. Fortunately, this isn’t the other way around. But every morning there they are, my wife dressed up in my jacket shaking and the dogs running around killing our plants.

I'll be watching home from my hospital bed one day. Hopefully, not soon.

I’m in no hurry to go back to the hospital, but the next time I’m there I’ll be able to watch over the house while my wife and daughter sleep. If anyone approaches, I’ll see them. It will give me reason to fire up the new laser defense system I installed. It works great on cats. Can’t wait to see it bring down a perp.

Behave. Someone is watching.

(Note: If you think I’m shooting cats with a laser system, you’re the perfect reader for my blog. Keep on keeping on, my crazy friend, and come back soon.)

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “What my security cameras revealed

  1. stop teasing and get me a log in. I want to see your nutty neighbourhood in action. I will rig one up myself if you do! (complete with a dog grenade proximity device)

    • Matt,

      With the time difference, you could watch over the house live while we sleep. How cool would that be? You’d need to phone me if you saw a group of opossums rushing the house.

      You may not throw grenades at dogs. I think I’ll send D a nice Golden Retriever pup for X-Mas.

      UC

  2. Maybe you could also rig up a recording of you shouting “Hey you guys!” to go off when the motion censors are activated?
    As for the birds, how about rigging up a small scarecrow on your roof? Make it look like you and hey presto! No more birds.
    Both of these ideas I give to you free in return for me using the term Chill-ax and not sending a cheque to you.

    • Sir Smarty Pants,

      You’re never going to let me live down that moment are you? I’m coming to England and I’m going to challenge to a duel.

      I do wish I’d had the cameras back when they tried to break into my car. I would have had it all on tape. And I would have called the police.

      Instead of a scarecrow, I gave my daughter a picture of you and she made me a Seanset scarecrow out of clay. I placed it on the roof and now no bird will come within 200 feet of the house. And our neighbors are avoiding our house too. I guess I shouldn’t have told her to make it 12 feet hight. Thanks for the great idea.

      You still owe me a million pounds for the use of that term.

      UC

  3. Laughing at seanset’s ‘hey you guys!’ recommendation. I think that would be awesome as well.
    Seriously I think it’s uber cool that you can monitor the video feed from the hospital. Now when the nurses come in and see you staring at security video they are gonna think you are some pervert stalker.
    By the way, feel like it’s been a while since you were in the slammer, you feeling ok? Hope so!
    Liz

    • Liz,

      I should have posted a “don’t feed the bears” sign, which is code for “don’t encourage Sir Sean.”

      I’m not sure I agree with your “pervert stalker” remark. I hope the nurses don’t think of me that way. Perhaps, they’ll say “what a wonderful husband. May I give you a back rub to ease the tension of looking at those cameras all night?” That would be much better than your version.

      I cannot comment on the slammer because the minute I do I will have to go in. Don’t curse me and don’t notice it’s been awhile. 🙂

      UC

  4. Hilarious! I love this post. I want a camera system now. How cool to know what goes on at the surrounds of your house during odd hours of the days and nights. I wonder could you do a film of all the best parts and post it? I’m sure with your talent for witting captions it would be hilarious. Something to think about, with all that spare time you have. 😉

    • Karyn,

      Yeah the camera system is kind of cool. However, when you have neighbors like mine maybe it’s not good to know everything. One thing I’ve learned is meth is a really nasty drug and people who are on it don’t realize how obvious it is that they are on it, which is kind of funny in a weird way. Now I see which neighbors keep late hours and meet people for five-minute car rides.

      Thank you for telling me I have a talent for something. That’s a first. I will start applying for caption writing jobs. I have a feeling they are hard to come by.

      So glad you left some comments for me to read. Thanks as always. Let’s see more posts from you, please.

      UC

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s