Why Halloween is my least favorite fake holiday

I don’t like Halloween.

I wasn't aware there was a Halloween version until tonight.

I liked it when I was young, despite living in Colorado and being forced to wear a parka over my costume thanks to the snow that always dropped the day before. We froze our butts off in light, stiff, flame-proof costumes purchased at the grocery store, or drug store, or where ever my mom bought them before the Internet and corner Halloween stores were in vogue.

I remember the condensation from my breath made the thin plastic mask kind of gross – hot and cold at the same time. Yes, I was the kid with the drooling mask ringing your doorbell.

I did, however, like bobbing for apples, and was really good at it. Probably because I have two giant front teeth like a mutant horse.

Sadly, I was never able to turn my talent for apple bobbing into a lucrative career, though I do think it would make for a good sport to watch on TV. Place the camera at the bottom of the tub for intense action shots, and hire good-looking men and women to compete. Because, really, won’t we watch just about anything on TV if attractive people are in it?

So, as an adult in age, not mind, I have grown to dislike Halloween because I’m the one who has to sit home and hand out the candy. My wife and daughter go to a party and have fun. I am the dog reacting to every knock at the door.

Fortunately no pictures exist of me as a child sticking my head in a bucket of water, though I'm surprised a family member didn't try to drown me for laughs.

I get up every five minutes, tell our real dogs to be quiet, and greet the trick or treaters. Then, I have to pretend my neighbors’ kids are the cutest versions of the same Disney princess (girls), and any character that kills (boys).

I also have to monitor the candy because my wife is never sure if we’ll have enough, though we always have plenty leftover, and because 1 out of every 5 kids is practicing to be a Wall Street banker one day and inevitably reaches in and grabs more candy than allowed, on purpose.

These are the candy hoarders who one day will have to go to Congress and beg for a bailout because they bet everyone else’s candy on a risky financial scheme they didn’t understand themselves. Hey, the behavior of being a hog starts somewhere, folks.

So if a child tries to take extra candy tomorrow, reach over and grab their hand and say, “if you ever work in the financial services industry your head will fill with worms and spiders and explode in a ball of fire.”

It helps to dress as a witch when you deliver this curse. And don’t be surprised if your neighbors don’t speak to you again.

I fantasize about hiring someone to sit outside my house and hand out candy. But my wife gives me the look that spending $40 bucks on the idea will earn me a quick trip to husband jail.

Yet, how nice would it be to have my feet up and not worry about trick or treaters while the Swedish woman I hired on Craigslist sits on my front porch and hands out candy. I do think I’ll need extra peanut-butter cups and Snickers bars, however, when words gets out about my fantastic new hire.

Yes, my dear wife, it was the best $300 dollars an hour I ever spent. A small price to pay for getting my Halloween spirit back.

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16 thoughts on “Why Halloween is my least favorite fake holiday

  1. UC the time has come. We disagree on something! I LOVE Halloween! We don’t have it here in Oz, at least we havent up until now, this season (our first since being home) I am seeing glimmers that it is starting. I was able to purchase a carving pumpkin at my local grocers – for the bargain price of $22. Highway robbery I know. I also found spider webs and candy. That’s it. I did the best I could to decorate our house and we had one set of kids come by. I was SO happy! Happy enough that I declared next year we will throw a huge Halloween party and invite everyone we know. Ill order decor from the US online and we will be the pioneers of Halloween coolness in Australia! The kids, the snow (in Colorado – yes we lived there too and inevitably it would be the first snow of the year right when the kids had to trick-or-treat), the costumes, the decor, the candy.

    It was just SO MUCH FUN! So there it is, the magic has been broken, you have finally been wrong on something. 😉

    • Karyn,

      I’m sending you a ticket to fly to CA and hand out candy next year. You and my wife will get along just fine. I wish your husband had a blog and could give us the other side of your Halloween happiness.

      Do they have Halloween in AUS? I never really thought about it?

      UC

      • Well there is a reason I don’t let my husband near a blog – because he would be all scrooge on me and ruin it all! Your wife and I can get all whimsical together and you and my hubby and be all McScrooge together – and a fun time will be had by all!

  2. I’m very glad that in the Netherlands Halloween is’nt as big as it is in America (yet).
    And the fact that I live on the 10th floor of an appartment building is a very big help to keep the people (everyone) away from your door.

    Good luck tonight!

    • Ralf,

      So nice to hear from you. It’s up to you to squash the concept of Halloween in the Netherlands. Start tweeting negative stories about it and how it will make the Netherlands turn into the USA. That will kill it.

      If I’m ever in the Netherlands during Halloween, I’m going to the 10th floor in every building looking for the one guy not giving out candy. And I’ll say, Hi, Ralf, when I meet him.

      UC

  3. I’m looking for a job! Too bad I got here a day late and the job has been made redundant already. Living in a high rise with Fort Knox like security insures no knocks on our door on Halloween, except to tell us to turn the TV down.

  4. What amazes me is the kids who are not from this neighborhood but know it’s a good source for candy.

    I go to the door with a big bowl of candy. I drop a generous sampling of stuff into their bags. And I swear half of them hesitated, looked at the bowl, and then at me, as if to say, “That’s all?” I remember when you only got ONE piece of candy per house!

    • MAL,

      You didn’t even recognize me when I asked for two pieces of candy. I was wearing the bag over my head.

      Is it any surprise we have the largest kids in the history of our country? Even Halloween is supersized.

      UC

  5. Thank God I am not the ONLY ONE who thinks Halloween is a pain in the ass! I love most holidays, but Halloween is most definitely second to last (or even last?) on my list. I think its just another holiday like Valentines Day or whatever. I always forget about it until the following year when the decor and merchandise comes back around.
    I used to enjoy it, but as I get older I just don’t see the point (except for the children, of course).
    Most of my friends love Halloween…costumes, parties, candy for the kids, the whole nine yards..and they think I’m a weird and get upset for not liking it. The only person who relates to how I feel in real life is my husband who always thinks Halloween is stupid (and mainly for the kids).
    Knowing my luck I’ll have children who love the holiday and I’ll have to grin and bear it for them until they move out. *facepalm* But I can live with that. LOL =)

    • Dena,

      Thank you so much for reading and leaving a comment. I appreciate it.

      I liked Halloween when I was a kid. Not so much as an adult. I’m just not a costume person.

      Sounds like you married the perfect person.

      This year I’m going to ignore the looks from my wife and hire someone to sit outside and pass out candy. That will be a stress reliever of the highest order.

      All the best to you,

      UC

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