Tasty dishes and my day as a racehorse

20110417-124848.jpg

I need two turkey thermometers, please. Send to my attention at 666 Hospital Hell Dr. Hades, CA 90000.

Oh, and I need someone to jab one in each of my kidneys, if you don’t mind. I don’t. I need to see if the hospital has completely cooked them or not. They’re not sure.

And nothing makes for better eats than kidney, mashed potatoes and gravy. Yum. It’s a classic dish in hell, eating your own kidneys.

When I was shy of 216 pounds Thursday night, which meant a weight gain of over 5 pounds in one day, I should have known something was up. But when I went out for my late night joy ride of the nurse’s station, or how to walk in circles and like it, I knew I was hosed. I couldn’t make it to the end of the hallway without being short of breath.

I had transformed into the Puffy Water Boy, a cartoon character that never made it big because he fought crime and fires by peeing on both, making him a bad role model and one parents hated when they had to clean up after their kids.

I was full of water. My feet, my ankles, my calves, my chest. Is my creatinine high, Doctor? Oops, they forget to measure this week. Patient oversight – I forgot to tell them what to do.

Time for emergency measures. Who has a spigot? Stick it in my butt cheek and let’s flood the hospital gardens. We must be green at all times and I am a valuable source of H2O. Love me, hold me, tap me.

I spent Friday peeing in a measuring bottle. And pee I did. Almost 7 liters, or approximately 14 of the small Arrowhead bottles. How do I know this? Because the doctors on Saturday couldn’t hold back their admiration of my day as a racehorse. I promised to fill the trash can for them as my next trick. Get your tickets now. Standing room only. Puffy Water Boy promises to put on the urinary extravaganza of a lifetime.

They scanned my kidneys today, and I’m supposed to go home tomorrow. But the hospital, she’s crying and doesn’t want me to leave. And she’s doing everything to keep me here. Who knows what the latest test will reveal? So, I’ll believe it when I’m in my car and driving home. I wouldn’t be surprised if a piece of parking garage concrete breaks off and crushes me to death.

Would I be upset if it did? Not really. Make it quick, please. I don’t want to spend another day of my life in this place.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Tasty dishes and my day as a racehorse

  1. Awesome that you are possibly going home tomorrow. Peaceful things, UC! P.S. – Water weight a teaser! I always freak when I gain that much weight in a few days. Something bad is always coming when the “weight fairy” shows up.

  2. UC, your post is a roller coaster of emotion for the reader. Hysterical laughs and loop-de-loops of frustration and pain. So sorry to hear you’ve become puffy, but thrilled to hear you might be released tomorrow. That loud cheer you hear will be your CF fans all over the world celebrating your freedom.

  3. Dude, that’s a helluva lot of pee!
    Really hope you get sprung from the joint tomorrow, or SOON, if not tomorrow. Totally know the feeling of waiting for the garage to fall on your head as you drive away… a few times we have literally looked at each other after an especially rough stay like ‘are we really in our car? going home? make sure no one is following us in the rearview mirror.’
    Hope you will be home nice and snug under your princess blanket at this time tomorrow night.
    Love,
    Liz
    CF wife

  4. I hope you will be out of jail tomorrow and you can eat a nice applecake and mcgriddles instead of kidneys. Greetz from Belgium

  5. Sorry about the fluid scare…..it takes a while to fry the kidneys and even when you do, you still have the option of dialysis….so there are still plenty of avenues of toture even after they have turned your vital organs into mush…..just sayin’ 😉

    Happy to hear youre going to be springing out soon…..
    my best always ~j

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s