Power Port Rangers Unite!


I am upset with the Women of CF who have ports. Yes, yes I am. After reading their wonderful blogs over the past year and their posts about ports and how fantastic they are and all of that, I had mine installed yesterday.

And I expected the same experience. There is only one problem. I am not a woman. I am a big cry baby. Ladies, couldn’t you have just pretended it was hard? Please, for those of us in the weaker sex?

F**k me, this thing hurts.

It feels like they shoved a big jagged piece of amethyst under my chest. It burns. It itches. It aches. And when we infuse, it feels like it’s spraying fire into my chest.

I have the nervous system of a Labrador. I feel everything. Ouch, boo boo to my chest. Someone give me a garden trowel to dig it out.

The doctor’s reaction to why it hurts when it infuses: “Odd.”

“My picture is next to that word in the medical dictionary,” I told him. He didn’t argue with me.

So, to the Women of CF, respect. You are tough. I never hear you complain. And it will be all I can do not to write a post a day on how much this piece of medical plastic hurts and bothers me.

If there is a plus of my new Power Port, it has full Bluetooth capabilities and I can stream music directly into my body without anyone else hearing. And it has a purple light that glows under my skin like ET. I use it as a nightlight.

But why can’t I beam back to the Enterprise? Scotty? Are you there? Major Tom?

When I went to have this piece of shit inserted, I was calm. Then one of the young doctors told me what they were about to do. It sounded like they were going to bury a large spider in my chest. And I had a panic attack. One shot. No good. Two shots. Nothing. Three shots. No buzz. Shot four. Okay, maybe the spider won’t eat me from the inside today.

When they wheeled me out of recovery, I passed a doctor and she gave me a big, long grin, like she knew me. I half smiled back, feeling uncomfortable from her huge smile. It’s hard to describe it – kind of like she was in on the joke, but I wasn’t.

Then it hit me: she must have been the doctor who operated on me. And I remember her telling me to shut up and not move. And I remember rambling and babbling. I wonder what I said? Whatever it was, she couldn’t help the huge grin, which is better than me getting a slap to the face.

When a nurse comes in my cell, I raise my left fist to the port, salute with the right hand, and say “Power Port Rangers unite.” Now you know why they draw straws each shift and the nurse with the short one gets stuck with me.

Power Port Ranger Zero out.

9 thoughts on “Power Port Rangers Unite!

  1. I don’t know who you heard that from but mine hurt like f*** for 3-6 weeks. At first just the incision, but what lingered was the sutures in my pecs. After a couple of months, it’s fine. Mine looked just like that after surgery.

  2. So here’s my post about port-ness: http://breathsentence.blogspot.com/2010/05/happily-mangled-bubbie.html. I had to look it up because I couldn’t remember what I said.

    I can’t speak for all Women of CF (which I love, because in my head it sounds like the “Real Men of Genius” voice saying it), but in my case, the, erm, misrepresentation of the experience likely stems from two things: 1) I was so much more nervous about having my boobs mangled than the pain of the experience that when I woke up and saw what a non-issue it would be, cosmetically, the pain was secondary, but also 2) I intentionally waited until after I FINISHED IVs to get mine placed, so it would have at least a good month or so to heal, and itch, and flake, and whatever before nary an alcohol swab had to go near it. I also got the glue stitches, rather than the actual stitch-stitches, which probably left me with a larger scar but I’m the biggest stitches wuss EVER, so it was worth it. But yeah, mine hurt like a bitch for the first few days, I had vicodin for it, all was well with the world. I highly recommend getting an Rx for EMLA cream as soon as they’ll let you use it; wussy and unnecessary? sure. But it’s a $10 co-pay that lasts me at least 10 or so sticks and makes an unpleasant experience a virtual non-experience.

    So sorry if I misled you, what with my 24-year-old preoccupation with my breasteses, but congrats-slash-I’m-sorry about your port. I’ve only used mine for IVs twice (I’ve had it a year), but it has CHANGED MY LIFE when it comes to ER visits – seeing as how you’re a somewhat frequent flyer there, like me, I swear it will be worth it.

    Oh, and can I be the Pink Power Port ranger?

    • It IS super nice for ER trips and clinic trips when you think you’ll have IVs. I love arriving for surgery accessed after o tell them I have a port and that it’s accessed and a nurse comes in later with a regular IV kit.

  3. No amount of Hisptamatic editing can help that picture look any less gross!

    If it helps, I’m a Woman of CF and I would likely cry like a baby.

    Sending healing vibes your way. That’s a step up from good juju 🙂

  4. Did you get it on the side of your ribs? Can’t really tell from the picture. Chris had several ports in and out over childhood/adolescent years. And then had a ‘passport’ in his arm most recently that he loved – had to have it removed because of a mega-clot in his SVC, so no more ports for him. Although I know it hurt like hell at the time, he really was happy to have it after the healing process… like everyone else has said, it makes your life a lot easier, especially during urgent issues when the last thing you want to stress about is line access.

    Although I must agree for the women’s side that girls simply do rock on the pain tolerance scale. 🙂
    Sending you hope for a very long-lasting, infection free, quick-healing port.
    CF wife

  5. Poor, poor baby! Yes, it was sore the first few days. Put a folded towel on top of it when you vest, just while it’s really sore. It was also sore when I lay on that side for quite a while. But when I had my trip to the ER where I was tended to by the fumbling “almost” nurse, I cannot BEGIN to tell you how thrilled I was to have it.

  6. Well I appreciate you giving CF women a shoutie to how ‘tough’ we are, I must say, I am HUGE baby. When I had my port placed, I was super nervous to the point of tears right up until the sent me to lala land. I don’t remember this but I was told the first thing I said when I started to become coherent again was ‘when am I going to feel the pain’ haha. So I’m a weeney even when I don’t know whats going on! haha

  7. Oh boy, your picture looks like a major ouchy! Soooo sorry. I must say I was prepared for pain but my port placement wasn’t particularly painful (a Woman of CF capable of alliteration as well!) I didn’t have mine accessed until my next hospitalization however so that probably helped. My port was tender to lay on or get pounded for awhile but that gradually went away, thankfully. On a note of hope, my port has been going strong since 1998 so I will pass you some long-life port mojo…you’re welcome.

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