Prisoner Zero

After eight days of fighting, CF plucked me from my life and deposited me like a piece of trash into the hospital.

“There you will stay,” CF said, “until I am done playing with you and torturing you and making you experience the most unpleasant of situations. Let’s see what you can withstand this time.”

And so begins the latest game of bacteria and mouse with my deadly adversary, prick that it is. My days of needles and blood gases and x-rays started with all three.

CF’s first punch: an 80-year-old blind woman to draw my blood. Touché, CF. Nice touch, which she didn’t have.

In with the needle. A miss. Move it around. Explore a bit. A jab to find the lost target. Another miss. Blame the vein. “It moved.” It’s “stab the snake” time. I cry Uncle first.

New needle. She brings out the iron butterfly. Clearly, the 16-gauge was more gun than she could fire. However, she’s the master of this baby needle. What damage can she possibly cause with it? Guided by CF, she finds a way to make it feel larger, taking the long way through the layers of skin. But there is blood return. Winner, winner, hospital dinner.

Apologies for missing. All is forgiven.

If there is a victory today, it’s technology’s – Apple’s FaceTime. It makes this stretch more bearable hearing and seeing my wife and daughter. FUCF.

Reporting from a jail designed in HGTV hell, Prisoner Zero out.

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26 thoughts on “Prisoner Zero

  1. You don’t know how sad I am to hear this.
    Hope the torture ends soon. Now you’re part of the Gulag, so do what you must to survive, physically and emotionally.
    (Any chance of nevertheless having a happy moment or two?)

    • Don’t be sad. Be Lizi Lizi. The highlight was the doctor violating the 3 foot rule. What I didn’t mention in the post tonight, was she put her tongue in my year. This is a PG rated site, after all. Can’t be writing about doctors licking my ear and grabbing my privates. Oops, scratch that. Did not mean to reveal that.

  2. Sorry to see your back in klink UC, I hope it’s just a short stay. Thankfully you have facetime to help you get to see and talk with your family. I see you managed to pack your foxy maccies mask bag, now I’d like to see the faces of the staff when they walk in on you with it on, one way ticket to the funny farm for you! Which by the way is close to Devon. 🙂
    I think I will have to form an escape committee to get you out in the style of the great escape, no motorbike to jump the fences though just my road bike, hold on UC we can make it!!

    • Sean of Englandshire,

      Yes, please, send the escape party. I’m ready. Juli gave my bag a thumbs down the other day. Guess I need to order the George Clooney bag head from Amazon.

  3. We missed you on twitter. Now i know CF and the flu put you in jail,dammit! Hope you get better soon and you will have more luck with blood-drawing nurses. Send you positive vibes from Belgium

  4. Did you bring your princess blanket with you?

    I feel like you dodged a bullet. Imagine how much worse it would have been if you traveled to NJ last week…

    Sending huge cyber-hugs from Ohio

    • Stacey of the moon known as Ohio,

      Yes, you are correct about the bullet. I probably should be in a hospital in New Jersey right now. Oops. Sorry to disappoint CF.

      I do not want my princesses to catch anything in the hospital. They stayed home.

  5. Sorry to hear you’re in the pokey. Perhaps you can watch Netflix on your iPad all day. Way better than working. Hope you feel better soon.

    P.S. I read (listened to) a book recently called Packing For Mars. There was a chapter devoted to astronauts not showering in space and all the research that was done to see what would happen if they wore the same clothes for weeks at a time. It reminded me of you.

    • Dr. Nanos,

      Thank you for revealing my secret identity as a NASA test subject. I have given them good information about body odor and days needed to produce a truly grizzley smell. the only drag is that I have all of these electrodes stuck in my body at all times. 5,000 of them.

      Always nice to hear from you.

      Astronaut Unknown

  6. Any more episodes left in your NetFlix subscriptions? At least you have a nice big iPad instead of watching on just the phone screen. I joined lynda.com to get hundreds of Adobe training on my ‘puter and phone, so if you’re into software, join me in those adventures if you want.

    I’ll send in the deaf, ex-pro wrestler for your chest PT who won’t stop when you tell him you have a Vest.

  7. THIS SUCKS! And I must tell you that as much as I love your bag wardrobe…..I just dont think the mickey d’s one does you justly…..just sayin’

    I hope this stay is short and productive.

    Damn phlebotomist…..you should find one that doesnt make you cower in fear, then maybe your veins wouldnt “move”.

    Hoping for a quick resolution. all of my best always ~j

    • Juli of Juliland,

      What? How can you not like the McDonald’s bag? It makes me look like a superhero or ford mustang hood. I love it. So, you need to elaborate please on why it is so terrible. Also, I need a your design advice on a bag I should wear.

      Guy yesterday took my blood in under 5 seconds. Hmm. I thought I had mystery veins.

      Best to you and the little Julis.

  8. So sorry to read that you are doing time again! I will hold good thoughts that you get out soon and kick CF’s miserable ass.

  9. Ugh. Totally sucks. Few things I feel compelled to add (so you know how loved you are)
    1) Stacey is right – you need the princess blanket; perhaps Ariel and Jasmine have some healing powers
    2) I think Nanos is on to something about the astronauts… Chris will go weeks without a ‘true’ shower while he is in the slammer and it only makes him hotter.
    3) You should have just smacked around the 80 year old blind woman… she had it coming.
    4) In case Jesse’s deaf ex-pro wrestler RT is busy, I will send over Chris’ deaf RT who talks as though you are 100 feet away at all times and will not fail to ask ‘how ya doin’ buddy? a mininum of 25 times during a treatment.

    Hang in there and FUCF.
    Love,
    Liz
    CF wife

    • Liz,

      First, Stacey is never right. Well, sometimes she is, but we must agree never to let her know that.

      Second, yes, Chris is hotter when he has the full man musk going. I keep telling my wife that, but she disagrees. Clearly, the doctor was attracted to it today and couldn’t help herself.

      Third, no one will ever find her body.shhhhh. Our secret.

      Fourth, there is nothing I can say to that point, as I would only insult deaf people, which thanks to tobra, I am becoming.

      You rock.

      Uc

  10. RATS!!! I’m sorry you’re in the Hole again. Stupid, stupid flu bug. Try to rest (ha) and zone out when you can. We are all sending you well wishes!

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