When I started this blog, my goal was to be as frank as possible. To lay it all out, take risks, and leave a record for my family and those who are kind enough to read it. Though it’s challenging to judge for myself how I did, I do think I came close – with an asterisk.
When year two came around, I knew I’d been holding back posts about thoughts that screw me on certain days, and have since I was 16. That’s because it’s hard to blog about cystic fibrosis and not take the whole of the community into mind and the toll the disease has taken on younger and better people than I. It doesn’t feel right to talk of certain feelings with these special individuals and families in mind, especially when I’m the luckiest of the lucky.
But that doesn’t make certain thoughts go away or not part of my life. Yes, I’m lucky to have so much. I think of that every day, but my mind still plays tricks on me. CF has taken its toll on me over the years – the hospitalizations, the fear, the number of times I have coughed up blood. These events have damaged my brain wiring.
I think about escaping sometimes. Luckily for me, I have not chosen this path, as I don’t like pain, though I have a tolerance for it in the hospital. But I do live with the warped thinking. It would be disingenuous for me not to mention these thoughts occasionally. I’m hoping that by doing so I can reduce their power. That’s my hope. We’ll see. Feel free to skip these posts. I can tell you that the post that follows will usually be happier, or angrier in a fox-like way.
Sometimes, I fall off the Happy Positive-Thoughts Wagon and it takes me a day to get back on. But I do get back on.
Stay sane and patient, please.