Ladies and gentlemen,
Fox here. I’m back. Did you miss me? If you didn’t, you can kiss my furry butt. I’m Fox and my middle name is “polarizing.” There is no middle ground with me. So, for those who love me, keep reading. The rest of you? Well, you can all F-F-F-Fade away.
Now I know what you’re thinking: Where have you been, Fox? The answer you may be expecting is “I’ve been partying,” which is a good answer, but not correct. You see there’s a side of me most of you don’t know about. I’m an inventor. I have patents for all kinds of inventions. And for the last three months, I’ve been holed up on an island in the south Pacific with my assistants Malorie and Julie, who are both top-notch engineers and help with the math I chose to ignore back in my school days (party or math class? Not a hard choice.)
The three of us have been working on inventions to make the lives of those fighting cystic fibrosis easier, even that jerk-off bum of a CFer named Unknown, whiny loser that he is. A little blood and he runs to the hospital. You didn’t see me passed out in a hospital bed after my four-day bender with Keith Richards had me spitting up blood in a bathroom in the south of France. Some of us can take it. But I digress.
During the past four months, my brainy assistants and I have come up with four excellent inventions. I’m here today to share them with you. They’ll be available soon to buy, but I’m giving you a preview because that’s the kind of fox I am – generous and sober with my 1-day AA chip, which I’m going to bet on red to win.
Pull back the curtain, please.
Bacteria-finder sunglasses. Wear these glasses and you can see all bacteria harmful to CFers. Pseudomonas shows up in orange. Cepacia in red. MRSA in Yellow. You name the bacteria, we have a color for it. Friendly bacteria show up in blue shades. These are great to wear in the hospital. You’ll look like a rock star to doctors and nurses, while knowing who’s been naughty and nice when it comes to washing their hands. “Come back when you learn to use soap and water,” you’ll say to the nasty Respiratory Therapist fresh from the bathroom and covered in C-Diff. He’ll stare with a sad-dog grin as you bust his ass for spreading germs and almost giving you the world’s most dangerous case of the squirts.
Am I still alive? iPad/iPhone app. Ever wonder what your temperature is, your O2 sats, blood pressure, heart rate, and heart rhythm are — all at once? Simply download the “WTF is going on in my body” app from Apple and you’ll know in the time it takes you to set down your mojito grande and place two thumbs on your iPad or iPhone. The CF version of the app also tells you if your lung has collapsed or if you’re just a big hypochondriac like Unknown is. And as a bonus, the Fox version has a built-in breathalyzer. Just place your mouth on your iDevice and blow (just the fact you’d do that tells you that you’ve had enough to drink).
Dragon Gum. Nothing worse than coughing up blood. It’s a drag unlike any other. Chew this new gum and blood turns to fire. It’s quite a trick and we’re still working out the kinks, like timing the combustion of when the blood turns to flame after contacting the gum. I had a hard time kissing my PhD’s for a week after I burned my mouth on the first stick. Plus, my mouth smelled like dead flesh, making me off-limits to the opposite sex. But when this sweet tasting gum works, hello, King of the Dragon Colony. You’ll be spitting fire balls across the room. Take that cystic fuckbrosis.
IV fluid Clothing Pads. If you’ve ever been on home IVs and used IV balls, then you know it’s a pain to wedge it under your shirt by your shoulder while you’re infusing it. Hey there, Jr. Hunchback. We have a solution to solve the IV geek look – IV Bra Pads for the ladies and IV Speedos for the men. Now instead of IVs making you look like a geek, you’ll look like a Goddess or God with amazing physical gifts. And you won’t mind when the zosyn dose runs three hours. That’s three hours you’re eye candy for the opposite sex. “Why is there a line running from your bathing suit to your arm?”
I’m glad to be back and contributing to the CF community again. No need to fill my comment box with Thank You notes. I know you love me and what I do. But, hey, if you have to leave a love note, it won’t hurt me. I am, after all, a sensitive Fox who only wants to fill the world with love and happiness. Or beer and Vicodin chasers. I forget.
Party like it’s your last.
Cystic Fuckbrosis, pure genius my friend, when I read this it made me literally piss myself laughing, not a good thing when I am sat in the canteen at work! I think I will see how many times I can use Cystic
Fuckbrosis at the clinic today! I guess it will depend on how good a clinic it is.
Sean, thank you for the kind words. Cystic Fuckbrosis just kind of worked. I can’t explain why. Only those of us involved in the fight can understand the absurdity of it.
welcome back my friend. you have been sorely missed. i am on board with your inventions, love them! as soon as i win the lottery I will help fund your production and marketing. much love ~j
Hey, there, you wonderful person you. So nice of you to visit the dark side. We’ll take the funding.
Fox! How are you, you fuzzy, ornery, ol’ SOB?!?!
Love the inventions! Somebody has to help that bum, Unknown.
Since you have the crack research team assembled already, perhaps you could work on an invention – more of a re-purposing – of our mucus. I’m thinking it’d be dynamite in either the adhesive market, resistance workout market, or my personal favorite….the insulation market. Can you imagine how many houses we would keep warm in the cooler months, M’boy?
FYI – I have electronic evidence that I gave you these ideas, which will, of course, garner me financial compensation should said ideas become lucrative. I won’t let you hustle me. I’ve heard the rumors about you. Those dudes in San Diego are still maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad at you. 🙂
Fox here. WTF is going on, my man? I’m going to steal your idea and take all the profits for myself. Some will go to CF research, but none will go to you. Ha.
Don’t bring up the dudes in San Diego. Hold it. What dudes in SD? I must have been out of it that night. I have no idea what you’re talking about – I think. I don’t know. I have to start drinking fruit punch without the kicker.
And yes, I agree that Unknown is a complete asshole, bum, whatever you want to call him. Loser seems to fit.
These are laugh-out-loud funny. Glad you feel like foxing!
What’s up? Fox sends his best and will be at your house later tonight with a 12-pack and some whipped cream cans. Get ready.