In the Cement Mixer

[adult language and anger warning]

It feels like someone, I mean CF, threw me in the back of an empty cement mixer and turned up the rotation speed to high. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, someone, I still mean CF, threw rocks in the mixer with me. The noise alone hurts my ears and the rocks cause bruising and welts. Then, as if that isn’t enough to cause pain, someone, you know who I mean, adds broken glass to the mixer. The glass cuts my skin and I start bleeding.

Life with CF - some days

Meanwhile, the cement mixer keeps turning and turning and the rocks keep banging against me and the sides of the barrel. The glass keeps cutting.

Then someone pours salt into the mixer, which makes my cuts from the glass burn.

All in all, this is what CF has felt like lately. First, the bleeding two months ago, two embolizations and 20 days in solitary. Fuck you, CF. Then more bleeding the day after Thanksgiving to show me who is really in charge – it’s not the doctors who perform embolizations – and eight more days in the hospital. Fuck you, CF. The hospital kicked me around too. A blown IV puffed up my left hand and I now have a two-inch vein made of rock. During the PICC line procedure my heart went nuts and a doctor actually had to come to the room. When someone was drawing blood, they hit a nerve and now I have nerve pain in my forearm. Then, one day out of the hospital I caught a virus and my white cell count shot up and set back my progress with the IVs. That’s the nutshell version.

Do I need to repeat tonight’s mantra? I think I do – Fuck you, CF, fuck you, because I’m still the luckiest guy in the world.

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9 thoughts on “In the Cement Mixer

  1. Dadgum. Good description. I can certainly relate.

    Have I missed something? Did they perform an embolization this time?

    Hang in there. And yet another reason to get a port!

    • No embolization this time because they just can’t make a decision in time to do it while it’s fresh. My doctor and I have warned them that when I bleed the next time, which will probably be soon, they need to embolize right away.

  2. Love it when you get down and dirty! Glad to hear you’re still up for the fight. Not many could go through what you guys do and come out with a fighting spirit on the other side…a very special group of people, indeed. much love! ~j

  3. Yeah, FUCK YOU CF!
    BTW When you get your port and are ready for it to be flushed I wonder if the insurance company will cover my travel expenses to come and do it? I’m packing my cricket bat & football (the proper round sort!) in anticipation. Best find out if they serve Worthingtons in any of the bars in LA. 🙂

    • That’s the spirit, you cricket-loving crazy man. I’ll call the insurance company on Monday to see if I can fly you over here. When I get my port, I’m going to flush it myself. I’ve conditioned myself to needles. Now they feel good.

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