Oh, man. Three good days in a row got spoiled big time today. Must have been the citrus sorbet last night. Who knows? Something inside me goes south in a hurry and in a big way. And it can only be bad things and internal damage to my digestive tract and/or colon. It’s one of those times when I really don’t want to know the answer but I want to get well. Getting old when you’re sick can be a drag.

* * *

I'd like a shot of HFCS straight up, Bartender. Hold the sugar.

I was thinking about high-fructose corn syrup tonight. Who believed this substance was a good idea? Someone who one day thought “sugar isn’t sweet enough – what if I created something sweeter than sugar and harder to digest?” Yeah, genius, that’s just great. Improve upon nature. Go ahead and try.

I can eat sugar, but HFCS makes me feel bad. I’m not sure why, but it does. And it raises my glucose levels higher than sugar. Still, I want to invent Super HFCS. This would be even sweeter than regular HFCS. It would be so sweet that just the smell of it would raise your blood sugar 50 points. And a spoonful would make you pass out. And if you forgot to brush your teeth at night after eating it, you’d wake up with holes in your teeth. Yeah, that’s right, I’m going to make Super HFCS. And believe it or not, people will buy it because people love sweet stuff.

***

Another random thought for the day: Doctors will let you suffer if they think you’re getting better. Any sign of improvement gives them an excuse to do nothing. Here’s how a conversation might go:

Patient: Doctor, I’m feeling bad. Today, I was rolled up into a little ball because of the stomach pain. I cried out for lightning to strike me and put me out of my misery. Help.

Doctor: But you had three good days prior to that, right?

Patient: Yeah?

Doctor: Well, then you’re improving. Today’s just a minor setback. Overall, you’re improving.

Patient: But at one point my stomach ripped open and I had to push all of my guts back in. I’m not sure I put them back in the correct places.

Doctor: I’m sure you put the puzzle back together just fine. You’re trending in the right direction. Call me in two weeks.

Patient: Two weeks?

Doctor: Yep. You’re getting better. Talk to you then.

Patient: [throws the phone to the ground and jumps on it until it’s pulverized into plastic dust]

If you want your doctor to help you, never mention you’ve shown improvement of any kind. Otherwise, you’ll be left to suffer and die.

Stay well.