A Window to My Heart

I woke up this morning sweating with pain in the center of my chest where my Xiphoid process is located, which is one of the coolest names for anything in the body, and a great name for rock band. I wondered: Is it my heart? My esophagus? Stomach? Where are you coming from, Pain? WHEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?

So, at 5:30 in the morning I sat there exceeding the maximum dosage for Tums, hoping it might be GERD from last night’s meal. Then I thought about cows.

I thought about cows because of the latest post by Dr. Nanos, which is a name I like a lot because it sounds very superhero or super villain-like, depending on whether Nanos uses her scientific mind for good or evil. Well, the good Dr. posted a picture of a scientific cow with a fistula in its side (these cows have windows, fistulas, in them so the scientists can look at the cow’s insides and open it up to stick their hands in).

Yuck, get out of my head image of the cow with the ship window in it. Too late.

I had a nightmare a few hours earlier, not about cows, but about someone breaking into the house. And usually I only have nightmares when I eat something that doesn’t agree with me. So, I hoped it was heartburn, not my heart. And I wished I had a fistula in my chest that I could use to look inside my body. (How creepy would that be?) However, I would like to see what’s going on in my stomach and be able to stick my hand in there like a box of gooey slime on Halloween.

The combination of anxiety adrenalin and thinking about cow ports killed any chance of going back to sleep. I sat there on the edge of the old couch I sleep on thinking about how I would approach my predicament during the day. Would I call my heart doctor? Or my stomach doctor? Then I noticed the triceps on my left arm looked gigantic and was tender. I must have had a reaction to yesterday’s allergy shot. Oh, just great, damn it. Now I have a trifecta of doctors to call.

At 9:00, I called my allergy doc, who was very nice and told me not to worry, as we’d bump the dose down next week. I made an appointment with my stomach doctor for tomorrow because my stomach bothered me all day. I called my heart doctor to talk to him, as he’s good at calming me down, but he’s out until August. Dr. Xanax filled in for him.

Tonight I’ve decided that I’m tired of having to go to where the medical equipment is. I want it to come to me. So, I’m going to plan a heist worthy of a movie and steal everything I need. This way when I wake up with pain, I can simply run an EKG or stick an endoscope down my throat to see what’s going on. I won’t have to stress about getting in to see a doctor or going to the ER. I’ll have everything I need. Hmm, I’ll probably need a doctor at home to help. I’ll kidnap one of those, too.

BTW, I’ll need a crew to help me break into the ER, which is open 24 hours a day. We’ll need to carry everything out in our clothing. Who wants to help out?  Any ideas how we’ll get the x-ray machine out?  Send in your resume if you’re interested. Do criminals have resumes? Probably not. An email and prison record will work.

Remember, when you read my future post about all of my new home medical equipment, you have no idea where it came from.

Stay silent, fellow perps.

8 thoughts on “A Window to My Heart

  1. Hey, count me in. I think you should form the new A Team to help other people out when they have a similar problem or when their insurance company tries to con them. I can just see it, of course you would be the Murdock character! Mad as a hatter!
    Anyway the x-ray machine could be a problem, but I think we just walk out the front door with it and say it’s going for repair!
    If you take one piece of equipment from different hospitals they might not notice things going missing.
    I’ll come over to be your Doctor, I can do IV’s, administer pills and set up nebs, everything else we can improvise, now which end does the endoscope go?
    Take it easy mate.

    • My friend, you have a mind like a criminal. I like the walking it out the front door for repair idea. I bet @onlyz would help us with that.

      I think I’ll need an update from Lauren about your doctoring skills before I sign that contract. I’m not sure I could afford the beer waiver you’d add to the fine print. 🙂 Based on the way you’ve taken care of the girls, you’d probably make a fine doctor.

      When I come over to England, I’ll show you which end it goes in, along with my boot. 🙂

  2. Sorry I haven’t read your posts for a few days. Seems I’ve created my own evil alter-ego. Haha. Mucho apologies for the nightmarish cow photo that is haunting you, though I agree it would be nice to just peak inside to see what’s up. It would be nice to easily distinguish between heartburn, heart pains and lung pains. I wonder that frequently. I occasionally have localized pain in only one spot of my left lung, which we’ve concluded is a spot on CT scans that looks more inflamed/infected than everywhere else (exacerbated by asthma and the spot that bleeds). But for years, I worried it was my heart because it’s in the exact same place.

    Best of luck with your hospital heist. Off the record, may I suggest a dentist or veterinarian’s office in order to be mire discreet? Haha.

    Stay well. Hope your bulging bicep is from magical muscle strength and not an allergic reaction. 😉

    • Your heart has to be in great shape. Your maximum heart rates are awesome. Interesting about the localized pain. I learned something new.

      I like the Vet idea best. I don’t really want to be able to clean my own teeth with a bunch of dental instruments. At least with the Vet, I won’t have fleas for a long time.

      Tricep has gone down in size, which is a kind of a bummer.

      And, yes, it is your fault, Dr. Nanos, that I think of cows with holes in them now.

  3. Gettin the stuff out of hospital is easy. Carry a giant box in, pack the stuff, climb in yourself then call UPS and get yourself delivered back home. Simples.

    • It’s very hard to do my treatments in a box. Plus, I cough a lot which might raise an eyebrow or two. Next plan, please. For a sociopath, you’d think you’d have a plan with a bit more craziness in it wouldn’t you?

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