I’m frustrated with this blog today. Perhaps, I should say lately. And, I’m not sure why. It’s just bothering me. If it were a piece of paper, I’d burn it.
CF may be talking this week. I don’t feel so hot. As my mood goes, so goes my blogging. But I think it’s more than that.
I guess when you try anything new, it will always take an unpredictable path. I’m not sure what I expected other than a place to leave a record for you when you’re older. You’ll be able to say to your friends, “see, this is why I’m so screwed up. Look at the nut job I had for a dad. I’m swimming against the genetic tide here, people.”
I agree with that. I’m not sure how many other dads are sitting around sucking a nebulizer bong everyday. I guess one could look at it that way. Though I read a lot of stories about special people coming from challenging situations. And I wonder how having a dad who spends a lot of time in the hospital will shape you. I’m not sure it’s a bad thing, though you may disagree. It may be a character builder. Or not. You could just spend your life whining like I did.
But something tells me that you’ll avoid that path. That’s my gut. You’re smarter. You’re stronger. Though, I do feel sorry for your future mate, as clearly you’ll be the boss and get your way. Good for you.
Back to the blog. I think the stat meter is bothering me. When I first started the blog, no one read what I wrote. It was nice. I could write anything. It didn’t matter. Now I have a few good people I care about tuning in. When I sit down to write, I’m thinking more about what others may want to read. I feel like I have to keep that stat meter high. I can see what posts are popular; I like the comments. I feel like I’m editing a lot of posts that I’d normally publish but censor now because I’m not sure the blog audience would like them. Or, in most cases, they’d be horrified.
What to do? That is the question I am asking tonight. I can’t answer it yet. I do think I need to make sure my goals are clear as to why I’m doing this. That will help. I can say that this blog is not really for you as much as I thought. It’s for me, too. Now I just need to decide what I want. I feel a shift coming on. It will be interesting to see what that is.