I have the greatest wife in the world and a hernia in my ass.
A little salt, a pinch of sugar, and I'll be ready for Thanksgiving. (Sorry, I couldn't resist. I have problems.) © Olga Lyubkin - Fotolia.com
Those are the facts. And I’m happy about the first one and upset about the second.
The official term is Rectal Prolapse. And it’s as bad as it sounds. Perhaps, worse.
Saturday the cipro did a number on my stomach and digestion, and something tore loose back there. I thought it was a hemorrhoid that hurt really bad. But the pain woke me up around 5 a.m. Sunday morning and I was walking gingerly into the ER around 10 a.m. with an 8 out of 10 on the pain scale.
A little luck went my way with a short wait and a very nice doctor who worked the rupture back into place. Unfortunately, it didn’t stay and popped back out and a surgeon was called. No immediate surgery due to the fact it could be put back in place.
“Follow up with your doctor on Monday. Now run along little cow poke. You’ll get the hang of riding horses one day.”
For the past two days, I’ve had to drop trou and have my wife manipulate it back in place because it’s not as easy to do it yourself as the ER doc said, “just use two fingers and push it back in place.” That would be possible if I worked at Cirque du Soleil and could twist my lower body around 180 degrees. But I’m made of wood and might break if I tried.
There is also the steroidal magic bullet I insert, which I do in front of my wife, as asking for privacy at this point seems, well, pointless. After the final application of a salt and sugar paste to reduce swelling and season me properly, I place my ass in the 350-degree oven for a nice crusty glaze*.
Oh, I almost forgot one final step. Gauze is inserted between the two hemispheres and both are taped together, tight, for maximum style points in my cargo shorts.
I must say I’ve been pretty mellow about this new adventure. It has a “this isn’t really happening, is it?” quality about it.
“No, I really don’t have to stand and clench my cheeks before every cough.”
“It’s a good thing this is just a bad dream and I’ll wake soon.”
But it’s real. And yet, at the same time, it’s proof I am the luckiest man in the world because I married a woman with courage for the both of us and gentle hands.
When I’m laying on my side with my back toward her, I tell her that I would do the same for her if our roles were reversed. And I also tell her that I’m glad it’s me going through this and not her.
And I mean it.
***
[*The oven part is a joke. Do not attempt unless you want to be dinner or are a complete idiot.]
The Unknown Cystic 
Only someone as talented as you could make such a story so romantic…
Stina,
When I read this comment many weeks ago, I thought, “that’s one of the best comments I’ve ever received.” Reading it now, I still think that. Thank you. I appreciate it.
UC
Dear Madman of LAShire
Well it seems your steriod induced baseball player really did a number on you when he swung his bat!
I hope your pain goes away soon my friend.
Sir Sean
Sounds like absolute HELL! It’s always one thing after another with this disease. I was hoping it would give you a break 😦
Hoping you are on the mend soon.
Stacey,
Have you given up blogging? Back on the horse, dear. Need an update.
UC
Thank you for a good morning laugh. I am SO sorry for your pain, but I look forward to many very funny blog posts:-)
I’m so sorry! You deserve a break for cryin’ out loud!
Huggs
Romance has many faces and I say your wife is a true romantic. You, on the other hand are a knight in shining armour for saying that to her ‘and meaning it’ – guess you two are like ‘carrots and peas’ – just meant to be.
Get well soon (seems like it wouldn’t quite cover this little mishap – am I right??)
Karyn,
I can’t wait until my wife reads that post one day. Not sure what her reaction will be. I probably won’t be around by then. (Sorry, Honey.)
UC
UC, are you telling me your wife doesn’t read your posts? My husband rarely reads mine, but that is more a matter of a disinterest in hearing (more) ramblings from his ‘possibly insane’ wife than anything else. Is this truly something she has not seen and wont until you are not longer here? I am flabbergasted!
Karyn,
So far, knock on wood (my head), she does not know about the blog. I hope to keep it that way, but if anyone is going to blow it for me it’s my nosy 10-year-old daughter. She’s always looking at the computer screen and is very curious.
BTW, I love the new post you wrote, #4 for the year. I will comment tonight after work.
UC
Hey unknown,
I think the best part about having CF is that we truly find the best people out there. I’m a 21yr old college student (medical student in the fall!) with CF, and I am consistently amazed with my boyfriend’s ability to let me lean on him when I need a little strength.
I too, have a blog. And if I have it my way–nobody I know will ever read it.
Sometimes though–it’s nice to hear it from a fellow CFer, so, dear unknown:
You’re doing good man…keep fighting.
Kiara,
Thanks for the comment. Congrats on med school. That’s awesome. I wish I had done that. I’m rooting for you to kick some serious ass there – or just learn to help patients.
A secret blog? Interesting. I’m all about secret blogs. Share the link here one day.
Hope to hear from you again,
UC