I have the greatest wife in the world and a hernia in my ass.
Those are the facts. And I’m happy about the first one and upset about the second.
The official term is Rectal Prolapse. And it’s as bad as it sounds. Perhaps, worse.
Saturday the cipro did a number on my stomach and digestion, and something tore loose back there. I thought it was a hemorrhoid that hurt really bad. But the pain woke me up around 5 a.m. Sunday morning and I was walking gingerly into the ER around 10 a.m. with an 8 out of 10 on the pain scale.
A little luck went my way with a short wait and a very nice doctor who worked the rupture back into place. Unfortunately, it didn’t stay and popped back out and a surgeon was called. No immediate surgery due to the fact it could be put back in place.
“Follow up with your doctor on Monday. Now run along little cow poke. You’ll get the hang of riding horses one day.”
For the past two days, I’ve had to drop trou and have my wife manipulate it back in place because it’s not as easy to do it yourself as the ER doc said, “just use two fingers and push it back in place.” That would be possible if I worked at Cirque du Soleil and could twist my lower body around 180 degrees. But I’m made of wood and might break if I tried.
There is also the steroidal magic bullet I insert, which I do in front of my wife, as asking for privacy at this point seems, well, pointless. After the final application of a salt and sugar paste to reduce swelling and season me properly, I place my ass in the 350-degree oven for a nice crusty glaze*.
Oh, I almost forgot one final step. Gauze is inserted between the two hemispheres and both are taped together, tight, for maximum style points in my cargo shorts.
I must say I’ve been pretty mellow about this new adventure. It has a “this isn’t really happening, is it?” quality about it.
“No, I really don’t have to stand and clench my cheeks before every cough.”
“It’s a good thing this is just a bad dream and I’ll wake soon.”
But it’s real. And yet, at the same time, it’s proof I am the luckiest man in the world because I married a woman with courage for the both of us and gentle hands.
When I’m laying on my side with my back toward her, I tell her that I would do the same for her if our roles were reversed. And I also tell her that I’m glad it’s me going through this and not her.
And I mean it.
[*The oven part is a joke. Do not attempt unless you want to be dinner or are a complete idiot.]