Today started off in a dark place and improved until I coughed up blood streaks tonight. Add that to the back pain I’ve had for the past four days and I feel like I’m playing the game where you place your forehead on a baseball bat, spin around it, and then run to first base. How did I end up in the stadium parking lot?
My “monkey mind” is lighting up like a fireworks factory fire. Will I be in the hospital tomorrow for the bleeding? What if my kidneys are damaged? I can’t get comfortable. Am I peeing too much or too little? I can’t concentrate on work. WebMD says I have a rare form of kidney Ebola.
I gave urine and blood at Quest Diagnostics (QD) yesterday. I fucking hate Quest Diagnostics.
First, the waiting room is full of sick people who want to kill me (always bring your own pen to sign in with or you will catch Ebola).
Second, the QD workers always ask me: “Why the mask?” Because I have a highly contagious disease that made my ass expand to the size of a beach ball. They used a 14-inch railroad spike to pop it. Hurt like hell. Oh, and what a mess. However, I will take this mask off if you kiss me while I pee in this cup?
Third, QD bills are the gift that keeps on giving for months to come. Thanks to them I had a collection agency harassing me over a $120 invoice I’d never received. QD representative on the phone: Oops, we’re so sorry. Computer error. We’ll tell the agency to remove the medieval catapult parked in front of your house.
I’m in the outfield again. Oh, yeah, Crushes and Bromances.
I was thinking tonight about a few of my blogging and Twitter friends and how much I dig them. I admit the following: I have crushes on my female readers. And a bromance or two – don’t want the guys to feel left out. But, dudes, eat your hearts out – I have some highly intelligent women reading and commenting. How did that happen? Clearly, the bag on my head makes me better looking, as I was told it would in high school – yes, the bullies were right. Thanks guys, I thought you were just screwing with me.
So when does the “Women of CF: Mensa Edition” calendar hit stores? I am so ready to buy it. Sign me up. And I want each month autographed: To Unknown, [(I +U ) 2011] x CH3CH2OH + HLT = CF-3 ft x ∞
Strange, I never anticipated blogging would have this benefit. I do confess it’s hard to be on my best behavior in comments and email. Sometimes, I’m biting my knuckles with Fox telling me: “Write it. Write it. She’ll take it as a compliment. Oh, you wimp.” Rule #2 in the Book of the Unknown: Never listen to Fox.
I’ll tell you how you got into left field. You chased the ball you smacked out there. Bravo.
I had a fresh red loogie tonight, too. That’s it. Very strange.
Jesse, blood for you, too? Argh. Yes, I did hit it out there. UC
OK, this “[(I +U ) 2011] x CH3CH2OH + HLT = CF-3 ft x ∞” made me giggle…until I coughed!
It made my year when you (or fox) commented that you have a crush on my youtube “high” video and that you prefer me with kitty whiskers. It made this old mom feel not so old and momish. I say don’t hold back. So, you’ll freak a few girls out. They’ll just block you…that’s all 😉
Sorry about the blood…
I knew you had what it takes to figure that one out. I’m sure there were others who saw those posts who thought the same things. Kids only make you better looking. Moms forget that sometimes.
I agree with Stacey… that Fox friend of yours knows what he’s talking about sometimes.
I’d like to pretend this post is about me (at least partially). I enjoy flattering myself like that. Just this morning, I overheard a highschool boy telling his friend that I was a “total MILF”. While some would be offended or disgusted by that, I took it as an incredible compliment!
Maybe it’s that need for validation we were talking about. Or maybe I’m just a perv.
Jenny- You’re so lucky! That comment would’ve made my day. My year, really. But alas, I’m not a MILF. I am way too ornery, morose, and flat-shoe wearing to be anywhere near MILFdom. Enjoy it, babe. 🙂
You should take it as a compliment. HS boys are experts. Who do you think buys all the posters? They know what they’re talking about. Consider yourself in the calendar.
A few posts ago, when you discussed looking up old girlfriends on FB and wishing that at least one of them had never been able to get over you, I couldn’t help but think that you presently have a gaggle of women hanging on your every word, who think very highly of you, as you are now, in all your hemoptytic (is that a word?) splendor. So that’s gotta be worth something.
Also: I have no trouble admitting that I have a huge crush on you. My husband does too.
Little did I know coughing up blood every few months would make me popular for once in my life? I would have done it more in HS. Let’s see how long it lasts. I’m sure it will be fleeting.
You can be in the calendar. So can your husband. He can have the three month bonus section for the months ahead of the 12. You know the one with the picture and three months on a page. This way we’ll have female buyers. How does he feel about dressing up like a fireman?
I couldn’t sleep all night. I wanted to read and write and rebel. I haven’t had a creative urge in months.
Amy, sounds great. Did you write anything?
I got really worked up, and then fell sleep trying to think of a pseudonym. Then J had a belly ache, needed a treatment….but the beast has been awakened. Coming soon.
Should I make this calendar you speak of? Would we wear bags on our heads?
CG, you made the calendar without a bag on your head. I think you’ll be Ms. May because it’s spring. And spring is full of colorful flowers in pink and purple. UC
I love this post! made me smile, because like the others, I like to pretend you’re talking about me too. I think the crushes around here go both ways… (ugh! did I say that out loud?) ha! no I didnt, not really…..wait, I’ve confused myself. Guess I can count myself out of the “intelligent” portion 😉
Sorry that Ive missed so much lately….took me a while to catch up 🙂
Quest Diagnostics is a nation wide phenomenal screw up….you arent alone in hating on them…..
Sorry about the blood lately. Hope all is well with the kidneys and everywhere else too!
much love ~j
Juli, You don’t need to imagine it – I am talking to you. You’re special, even if the Wii Fit doesn’t think so right now. 🙂 I am happy it make you smile. I like that. You are intelligent and hard working and a great mom. You made the calendar. I’d tell you what month, but I can’t keep them all straight and no one likes the first month I give them – women, forever the world’s greatest wonder and mystery.
QD. Oh, man. I can’t believe their billing. It was brutal. Blood results were fine, but having hemoptysis tonight. Not fun.
All my best to you and the girls.