Facebook makes me want to kill myself

I was a Facebook holdout until this month. I overcame the privacy issues that worry me and signed up. But I’m not giving up the bag on my head – that’s my security blanket until I can afford plastic surgery. I joined because my friends live on FB and I feel like an outsider not being able to read their FB updates. Now I want to kill myself.

Don’t call 911 yet. I won’t be performing any crazy suicidal acts, like throwing myself from the hospital roof the next time I’m in, though the thought has crossed my mind. FB may make me want to end my days, but that’s different from actually doing it or something crazy like jumping in front of the annoying ice cream truck that drives through my neighborhood on weekdays when kids are in school (what’s up with that anyway?). However, Facebook makes me feel depressed and more of a loser than I already am.

I started by looking up old school friends and girlfriends. Big mistake. The school pals are all more successful than I am – my best friend in high school went to Stanford and Harvard and is president of a company. Ex-girlfriends are living in exclusive parts of cities and married to successful men who are doctors and dentists, or who split atoms with a device they made in their garage from beer cans and Lego. The common theme: you did better without me. I’m not that surprised.

Look, I’m not a complete loser (arguable). I had a delayed start with my life when the period for feeling sorry for myself ended (the end of that period is arguable too based on this blog, but let me feel good about myself for a few minutes). I started college late while my friends were more motivated and driven with better reasons to believe they would live long enough to take advantage of a college eduction. I had what we’ll call a “rough patch” near the end of high school. It lasted awhile. (Is it over? Again, arguable) I would like to have a “do-over” on that time in my life, please.

So, I’ll be quitting Facebook soon. I’ve seen enough. Once I find a way to become more successful, I’ll rejoin. Until then, I can’t take the daily FB searches of successful ex’s. If only I could find one homeless old school mate, or ex-girlfriend unable to get over me, who now fishes for meals in a trash dumpster every day. Once I discover that person, I promise I’ll accept his or her friend request immediately. Life can be just like the old days again – on Facebook.

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22 thoughts on “Facebook makes me want to kill myself

  1. Wait until you find that classmate who still lives in his mom’s basement, has zits all over his face and has his most recent employer listed as Blockbuster, currently unemployed.

    Seriously, though, stop looking up ex-girlfriends. That’s playing with fire, my friend. Friend me and stop comparing yourself to others, ‘mkay? Otherwise, great post. http://www.facebook.com/petersen.jesse

  2. Im sorry to have to say this…..but Jesse is right. Facebook SUCKS…..as long as you’re there looking up what was and what never will be again. Its just not cool. HOWEVER, when you lay off of the nostalgia and your friends list resembles more of who you are now than an old school year book roll call……it becomes a fun place. Im not going to lie and say that I dont have friends from school on my FB, I do, but they arent the only people. They dont consume my news feed.

    Maybe you’re ruined. Facebook is uncharted territory……too much info to process perhaps?……I know you’re used to thinking in 140 characters 😉 my twitter loving friend…..

    my best to you during your FB meltdown. (its ok, we all have them)
    much love ~j

    • Juli,

      I agree with you about the capacity of my brain being Twitter length. 140 characters is my maximum thought. Did I just go over 140 characters? I feel lost and disoriented now. What was I talking about? I can’t remember.

      UC

  3. Check this out, UC.
    You’re definitely not alone in your facebook grief.
    http://www.slate.com/id/2282620/
    My husband sent me this link one day when I was lamenting that Dorky McPorky, who I hadn’t seen in 15 years and barely even spoke a word to in high school, coldly and ruthlessly unfriended me. Why? Why would he did DO that (even though I unfriend people on a daily basis depending on the fluctuations of my mood).
    FB is hell. It makes you care about people like Dorky McPorky, and worse yet, makes you feel like you need them to care about you. Good luck- you’ll need it.

    • Lizi,

      Thank you sending that link. It was an interesting article/read. Glad I’m not alone. I don’t think I have time for FB anyway. I use any spare time I have for the blog.

      I’m glad I’m quitting FB. You’d unfriend me and I would be crushed.

      UC

  4. I friended you anyway… I like FB, actually, much better than Twitter. It’s probably because all of my ex-boyfriends are HUGE losers today. It’s a boost to my confidence. Awe, John, give it a chance!

    • Stacey,

      Your ex-boyfriends are losers because they could never get over you. You broke their hearts. Then they probably saw that crazy kitty picture and felt even worse that they’d lost you. I feel bad for them.

      UC

      • Ha! By the way, the past gajillion times I’ve commented and said that I wanted to see follow-up comments, I haven’t gotten any notification that there was any follow-up. Grr! Here I was thinking you were ignoring me, or that I wasn’t being witting and engaging…but instead, my computer never notified me of additional comments.

  5. Think of it from the other perspective; you’ve always attracted and been attracted to successful, competent, awesome people. I do agree that looking up ex’s and such isn’t the best idea (or in my case, since the ex’s column is a pretty short list, the “people I used to be close friends with, the thought of whom now elicit nausea and/or blind rage”), but when you see that your closest circles, from the sandbox through today, mostly turned out to be attractive, successful, competent people, think of it as validation that you it wasn’t a fluke that one or two specific people saw something in you, too.

    Also, remember that people’s profiles, news feeds, etc, are (or at least can be) essentially advertisements for the best parts of themselves…or worse, how they SEE themselves, regardless of how they actually are. And if you haven’t seen them in decades to confirm that they actually are as happy and fabulous as they present themselves, then you don’t know that they aren’t psycho and miserable behind their beautiful, stepford photos taken and edited by their staff. When I get “facebook blues”, it helps to actually look at my own profile again, only pretending I’ve never met me, or haven’t seen me since 2nd grade when I was still cute before I got glasses that touched my cheekbones, and then realize that just like I don’t advertise the worst parts (or pictures) of myself, neither do most other people.

    And seriously – give it another shot, and friend me. I’ll give you the low down on locking down your page so you’re an unsearchable facebook ninja 🙂

  6. Great post! Ha. I’ll take it under advisement. I’ve been thinking about joining FB (I’m another holdout!) mostly to promote my blog.. But after this long it’s sad to think of FB winning my “battle of will”. For some reason I just keep putting it off, & your post just backed me up another unspecified period of time. So thanks, I think!

    P.S. Glad you liked my blog! I hope I’ll see you around there.

    • Suzanne,

      Don’t let me discourage you from joining FB. You might love it. I’d feel bad if I kept you the joy and happiness FB delivers. You should join today. I bet you’ll have a great experience as long as you don’t look up anyone from your past.

      I will be visiting your blog.

      UC

  7. No. no. no. Come on (said in a slightly whiny sing-songy voice) – blame it on my 2 year old. I’m on facebook, therefore I selfishly want anyone I am intrigued by/interested in/feel connected to/curious about (aka YOU!) to also join so I can see your posts about the person who cut you off in your new Volvo, or what you ate for dinner last night, or see pictures of your daughter hugging Mickey at Disneyland, or which nurse you are going to kill if they screw up another med one more time… you get the picture.
    And screw those old ‘friends’ – like Jessica said, people are posting only the best of themselves (often inflated accomplishments and photoshopped pics) and they don’t deserve the witty insights of UC.
    I can handle you not joining the fb world as long as you never, never stop this blog. Okay? Okay.

    p.s. is John your real name or is that just a nice neutral name you have given out as UC?

    • Liz,

      Thank you for being so curious. I’m fearful I’d only disappoint you with the reality. Perhaps, I’ll post some bagged head shots on FB. In the shower, yelling at an RT in the hospital, washing the Volvo in a tank top, etc. 🙂

      I don’t know if they are posting the best. Perhaps a few are, but the ones I looked at looked pretty authentic and happy. If you once knew me, you were successful not knowing me anymore. Maybe I was their lucky charm?

      If you keep reading, I’ll keep writing. Deal. Yes, John is my real name, but that’s our secret. When you see me walking down the street one day – I’m easy to spot with the bag on my head – yell out “John” and I’ll turn around.

      Best to you and thanks for the crazy cool comment. I appreciate it very much.

      John

  8. I despise it, and I am only 19. I once had over 400 friends on there and realised how silly it all was and a waste of time. It really is a place for people with a narcisstic mind and need for attention. Closing the account was the best thing I have done. It has me worried about the future though, nearly every website has a ‘share on facebook’ or ‘like us’ which is really quite depressing. Not all of us want to follow like sheep.

    • Sarah,

      400 friends? That’s pretty impressive. I tried the account for awhile and enjoyed having 9 friends. I just don’t have the time to keep it up.

      I agree with you about sites have a facebook link. I often feel left out. But overall, I’m happy not to follow the crowd as you say. But if people like, that’s fine too. Lots of tools on the web for each of us.

      Thanks for the visit and comment,

      UC

  9. What are you embarassed of? It’s all the manner in which you judge success. In my experience people who are “successful” in the way you mention, tend to lose their sense of modesty along with those lustrious postions. They become shells of who they once were. Some of the coolest people I know don’t care and will never care about ruling the world, rather they are satisfied just living in it.

    • Ryan,

      I guess I have a high standard for the success I thought I would achieve in life. I didn’t quite make it. And I had several chances I blew – big time. Hindsight is a bear.

      Many thanks for the comment and insight. Much appreciated.

      UC

  10. I hate facebook. I permanently deleted my account and didn’t upload my file. Facebook makes me want to kill myself. I typed that into google and that’s how I found your article. I haven’t been on facebook since june or july but tonight I peaked at my husband’s and looked at some of my sibling’s pages. Then a few hours later I started thinking I wanted to kill myself and I hate myself. Then I realized why I felt that way. It’s because I was on facebook. Screw facebook. And for those that don’t experience what I do with it, good for you.

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