Saturday Funhouse: Four inventions I need now

[Adult language]

I need four, count them, four inventions to make my life with CF easier and more fun.

Spit away

1. Bug-zapper dentist spittoon. This invention would be a combo device to cough phlegm into that would kill it dead. It’s similar to the cuspidor suction attachment at the dentist’s office with the sno-cone paper cup – the one that makes a suction sound of whoosh, there goes the blood from your gums and blue mouthwash, drool puss.

I need one major modification made to it.

Die PA, die!

I need the suction device attached to a bug zapper with sound effects. When I spit mucus into it, I want that lung deposit to burn in a small inferno like a fly at a fourth of July BBQ hitting the bug zapper. And I want sound effects when the bacteria bite the dust. How about two-dozen different screaming sounds to choose from every time the green goo burns to death. AYYYYEEEEEEEEE, it will scream out in its last second of scum life. BACTERIA BE GONE!

That will teach you to live in my lungs, motherfuckers.

Step right up, partner and down a dose of Xopenex

2. The hanging neb holder. Remember the 70’s craze of hanging plants from the ceiling in macramé holders? You may be too young if you don’t. Trust me, it happened. Well, I am tired of holding my nebs in my mouth like a cigar. I want a neb holder that hangs from the ceiling, which will free up my hands for a beer and stick of Big Ralph’s Glazed Buffalo Jerky. I’ll attach my neb, then mosey on up and start my treatment while it hangs in the air. Look ma, no hands.

A bungy cord design may work best, as I’ll be able to move around without fear of my teeth ripping out should I make a sudden wrong move, such as passing out drunk with indigestion.

Hulk must regulate the situation now!

3. I want to look like the Hulk in my Vest. It’s impossible to look cool wearing the Vest, with its two hose attachments protruding like cow teats. Here’s my idea to fix that. Have you ever seen those swimsuits for kids that have the life preserver built into the suit?  They look like muscles. That’s the look I want for my vest.  I want to be able to walk outside and not look like an astronaut that needs to be hooked up to his oxygen tank before shuttle lift-off.

When my neighbor sees me he’ll say: “Hey, UC, you been lifting the heavy iron lately? You’re looking buff, my man.”

I’ll reply: “That’s right puny neighbor dude. I have been lifting cars. And if you park that shitty van in front of my house again, I’ll regulate your ass and your van from here to the moon.”

Boring. Add flames and you'll have fun and an act.

4. And now the act you’ve all been waiting for. I want a flutter that plays music. I spend enough time blowing into the damn thing that it should give me more than just clear lungs – it should give me a career path in entertainment. I want to be able to play every song in the Rolling Stones catalog on it.

Can you imagine me performing on America’s Got Talent?

“And what will you be playing for us tonight, bag-over-your-head-guy?” the judges will ask.

I’ll play Gimme Shelter on the mysterious instrument no one has ever seen.

HOLY COW, what an amazing device and sound, the audience will think. He’s spent hours perfecting his technique. Look at how red his face gets.

The performance will go great until, you guessed it, the flutter makes me start coughing up my lung pollution. Then audience members will turn away in horror and I’ll get three X’s and the hook. The last words from the clean-up crew will be: “I can’t figure out how to get this crap off the stage. Someone bring me a blow torch.”

At the very least, could someone please invent a Flutter that is exciting to use, perhaps one that shoots flames? Please?

I could use it to perform at Venice Beach on weekends, right next to the guy who juggles chainsaws near the cheapo-sunglass stands.

I’ll be called Mr. Flutter Flames. And I’ll have no eyebrows.

Stay well.

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12 thoughts on “Saturday Funhouse: Four inventions I need now

  1. There’s definitely a market for all of these inventions! I’ll buy each and every one, but only if you demonstrate on an infomercial and accept my 4 easy payments…

      • Just thought of another necessary invention… A lung vacuum. We need one that can reach all of the hard to reach places. Then we won’t need to do any work to get all of the crap out of there. It’s got to be like a super strength spit sucker thing like the dentist uses. Invent that too!

  2. Good news! They actually have a stupid and disgusting little device called a “lung flute”! Actually, I’ve heard it works OK, and it gets kids to do their treatments, so huzzah. I’m just not a fan of collecting “lung pollution” (love that and am stealing it) in anything I have to clean out – UGH I’m going to throw up just thinking about it. Sorry, trees, I’ll print on both sides of the paper, I’ll reuse paper towels, I recycle, but I will *not* give up Kleenex.

    As for the neb holder…perhaps you could jury-rig one of those bouncy chairs for babies that hang on the door frame?

    Come to think of it, why don’t they make a grown-up version of THAT for airway clearance/exercise? I mean, how many CFers are really going to be fat enough to break a doorframe? I have to collect myself I get so jealous every time I see a baby just bobbing maniacally in one of those things. It’s like a trampoline, online inside *and seated*. Swoon.

    • You’re funny.

      I have heard of the lung flute. I haven’t heard of any CFers using it so I don’t know how effective it is. And you’re right about the clean out. That doesn’t sound like a great time to me.

      I would need to reinforce the ceiling to make one of those chairs. Otherwise the entire ceiling is coming down. I still like your idea, though.

  3. I think with the majority of the judges’ being Brit’s, you should play Rule Britannia or God Save The Queen (not The Sex Pistols version) it’s bound to see you through to the final. 😉
    As for having your nebs on a holder what about the contraption that they use for holding a mouth organ, you could easily out do Roger Daltrey then!

    • Hold on, last time I checked the Stones are British, or have you disowned them?

      You’re on to something regarding the harmonica holder. There’s something about “mouth organ” that doesn’t sound good over here in he states, BTW. It would be cool to hook up a neb to the holder. I may actually do that. That would rock and my jaw wouldn’t be sore from holding the neb. Nice idea.

  4. LOVE all the ideas! I looked and looked for a photo I swear I saw on another CFer’s site, actually I think it was a video, where she had her nebulizer on some sort of metal stand which held it. Of course I could never find it again. I have longed for YEARS to have both hands free while nebulizing.

    And actually, a swirly sink next to my recliner with the snow-cone cup to spit in would be handy as well. Great idea!

    • Mal,

      I may make something myself. Or, use @seatset’s idea of the harmonica holder. I could make something to attach to a baseball cap. That might work.

      Hope you’re doing well.

      UC

  5. Very funny. I personally think my flutter makes enough noise as it is, that i dont need it to be musical. And unfortunately the odds of any of us looking sexy in our vests are slim to none—but we got to give it to these things for keepin us keepin on.

    • Katie,

      True, it does make noise. I like the pop it makes when I blow hard, Still, I’d rather it sound like I might be able to jam with Springsteen for a few songs. It would at least be more interesting.

      Thanks for the visit and comment.

      Best to you.

      UC

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