I need four, count them, four inventions to make my life with CF easier and more fun.
1. Bug-zapper dentist spittoon. This invention would be a combo device to cough phlegm into that would kill it dead. It’s similar to the cuspidor suction attachment at the dentist’s office with the sno-cone paper cup – the one that makes a suction sound of whoosh, there goes the blood from your gums and blue mouthwash, drool puss.
I need one major modification made to it.
I need the suction device attached to a bug zapper with sound effects. When I spit mucus into it, I want that lung deposit to burn in a small inferno like a fly at a fourth of July BBQ hitting the bug zapper. And I want sound effects when the bacteria bite the dust. How about two-dozen different screaming sounds to choose from every time the green goo burns to death. AYYYYEEEEEEEEE, it will scream out in its last second of scum life. BACTERIA BE GONE!
That will teach you to live in my lungs, motherfuckers.
2. The hanging neb holder. Remember the 70’s craze of hanging plants from the ceiling in macramé holders? You may be too young if you don’t. Trust me, it happened. Well, I am tired of holding my nebs in my mouth like a cigar. I want a neb holder that hangs from the ceiling, which will free up my hands for a beer and stick of Big Ralph’s Glazed Buffalo Jerky. I’ll attach my neb, then mosey on up and start my treatment while it hangs in the air. Look ma, no hands.
A bungy cord design may work best, as I’ll be able to move around without fear of my teeth ripping out should I make a sudden wrong move, such as passing out drunk with indigestion.
3. I want to look like the Hulk in my Vest. It’s impossible to look cool wearing the Vest, with its two hose attachments protruding like cow teats. Here’s my idea to fix that. Have you ever seen those swimsuits for kids that have the life preserver built into the suit? They look like muscles. That’s the look I want for my vest. I want to be able to walk outside and not look like an astronaut that needs to be hooked up to his oxygen tank before shuttle lift-off.
When my neighbor sees me he’ll say: “Hey, UC, you been lifting the heavy iron lately? You’re looking buff, my man.”
I’ll reply: “That’s right puny neighbor dude. I have been lifting cars. And if you park that shitty van in front of my house again, I’ll regulate your ass and your van from here to the moon.”
4. And now the act you’ve all been waiting for. I want a flutter that plays music. I spend enough time blowing into the damn thing that it should give me more than just clear lungs – it should give me a career path in entertainment. I want to be able to play every song in the Rolling Stones catalog on it.
Can you imagine me performing on America’s Got Talent?
“And what will you be playing for us tonight, bag-over-your-head-guy?” the judges will ask.
I’ll play Gimme Shelter on the mysterious instrument no one has ever seen.
HOLY COW, what an amazing device and sound, the audience will think. He’s spent hours perfecting his technique. Look at how red his face gets.
The performance will go great until, you guessed it, the flutter makes me start coughing up my lung pollution. Then audience members will turn away in horror and I’ll get three X’s and the hook. The last words from the clean-up crew will be: “I can’t figure out how to get this crap off the stage. Someone bring me a blow torch.”
At the very least, could someone please invent a Flutter that is exciting to use, perhaps one that shoots flames? Please?
I could use it to perform at Venice Beach on weekends, right next to the guy who juggles chainsaws near the cheapo-sunglass stands.
I’ll be called Mr. Flutter Flames. And I’ll have no eyebrows.