@seanset requested a Saturday Funhouse post today. So, as it’s Saturday, its seems like his timing is on the mark. Plus, next Saturday’s post will be a recap of Team USA’s thrilling 2-0 World Cup victory over England. Go Red, White and Blue.
Let’s get started.
The Internet provides a great deal of information on cystic fibrosis. You name it, we discuss it. However, some facts get lost in the sticky web of the Internet. So, I cracked open the archives of Cysticpedia today and dug up the following facts about CF that many may have missed. All true, BTW.
Vest invented by a mom? One Saturday morning, Mrs. Jones of West Palm Beach FL found her young son, little Unknown, sitting atop her old, out-of-balance, vibrating Kenmore washing machine. Cute, she thought, until she noticed the secretions everywhere. She told friends the story at a dinner party that night. One of the dinner guests was the engineer who went on to invent the Vest. Coincidence? To this day, grown Unknown prefers the unbalanced, bouncing washer. True.
We have alien DNA. If you know the story of Superman, then you know he has super powers on Earth. We CFers are aliens on Earth, too, but our powers are neutralized here. However, on our home planet, only people with our unique combination of DNA are super and can fly. And our mucus is a weapon that can eat through steel and take down super villains. Oh, and we live to be 1,000 years old and never get sick. Where’s the ship that takes me home? Hello, Cyslandia? Can you read me? Beam me up, please.
Just like the candy ones I used to smoke. My parents let me smoke candy cigarettes when I was growing up. Now you know what I was up against, don’t you? Which is why I was dumbfounded to discover this controversial new invention scientists are working on. It’s an eFlow-like nebulizer that looks exactly like a cigarette. This way we can do our treatments in the car and look just like smokers on a commute. It also helps us explain our coughing at work. “Maybe you should give up the smoking,” our co-workers will say on their way to lunch, as we stand outside the building smoking our TOBI Lights. “Yeah, kiss my ass. I’ll live to be 95 because of these,” we’ll shoot back, smiling, knowing the truth. At least people will stop thinking they can catch something from us.
Blow this. Some demented MoFo invented the Flutter a few hundred years ago as a device to cure witches and those possessed by evil spirits. When anyone was suspected of being possessed by an demon, they were forced to sit and blow the evil out. It lost its popularity because it was a terrible spectator sport watching someone’s face turn red and puffy until they passed out. Instead, torturers turned to drowning witches and those possessed, as it provided the excitement the crowds desired. And it sold more cotton candy and rats dipped in chocolate. Still, the torture lives on in my house every day. “Out with ya, Green Demon from Hell.”
There you go @seanset. Just for you.